Nicholas Sparks' 'Longest Ride' a tired, trite one, too
A technical error flashed closed-captioning subtitles on-screen for the first five minutes or so of "The Longest Ride" before somebody fixed it.
That was too bad, because the purely descriptive titles ("Crowd Cheering," "Bull Snorting," "Indistinct Murmuring") were better written and infinitely more interesting than anything else in this dull and predictable Nicholas Sparks adaptation that, at more than two hours, goes nowhere very slowly.
"The Longest Ride" is about a pair of star-crossed North Carolina-based lovers whose happiness is threatened by a combination of fate, dark secrets and other contrivances.
Luke (Scott Eastwood - yes, the son of the auteur of "The Rookie") is an uber-manly champion bull rider looking to make a comeback after a devastating injury a year earlier at the hoofs of his arch-nemesis, a bull named Rango.
He falls for Sophia (Britt Robertson), an uber-perky art student about to jet off to New York to intern at a swanky gallery. They seem perfect for each other, but their relationship is tested by seemingly insurmountable hurdles.
She couldn't possibly give up her dreams of gallery glory to live in North Carolina. He certainly wouldn't fit into her swanky world of art snobs paying thousands for paintings of squiggly lines.
As usual for Sparks, an older character's past helps guide the young lovers, while inspiring a parallel plot for additional mawkishness.
Ira (Alan Alda), a garrulous grump, gets rescued by Luke and Sophia from a car wreck, along with a box of precious old love letters that Sophia offers to read to him while he convalesces.
This narrative takes us to 1940 as young Ira (Jack Huston - yes, one of those Hustons) meets Ruth (Oona Chaplin - yes, one of those Chaplins), a recent immigrant from Vienna, and is instantly smitten with her.
Alas, he ships off to war where an infected wound renders him unable to give her the large family they wanted. When they attempt to adopt an indigent local child whom schoolteacher Ruth takes a shine to, the action drives a wedge between them that seems equally insurmountable.
This drama doesn't have enough conflict or tension to fuel one storyline, let alone two. And the letter gimmick simply does not work.
The screenplay by Craig Bolotin ticks off all the familiar elements (tense hospital scenes, gamboling on the beaches of North Carolina and sex scenes that come off like a PG-13 version of "Two Moon Junction" complete with a stained glass shower set designed for maximum obfuscation of the Good Parts).
For his part, Chicago director George Tillman Jr. is unable to do much to juice up the material. The entire thing feels like a romance novel cover brought to semi-life.
The only thing saving "The Longest Ride" from total disposability is the undeniable charm of the main actors.
The younger players are charismatic and attractive as all get out (and Eastwood's resemblance to his father in his dewier years is uncanny to the point of distraction).
At times, they almost manage to distract from the absolute nonsense of the stories they are serving.
Veterans like Alda and Lolita Davidovich (as Luke's mom) are able to bring just enough conviction to their roles to sell material that must have seemed ridiculous.
However, their efforts are in vain. Even the best actors can't salvage the film's screw-loose conclusion that takes the story's central thesis - love requires sacrifice to survive - and tosses it out the window with a last-minute twist so silly that if those subtitles had still been on, they would have said, "Really?"
“The Longest Ride”
★ >½
Starring: Scott Eastwood, Brittany Robertson, Alan Alda, Oona Chaplin, Jack Houston
Directed by: George Tillman Jr.
Other: A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG-13 for nudity, sexual situations, violence. 128 minutes