How will Zambrano's 'sorry' compare with other legendary apologies?

As Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano prepares to apologize to his teammates prior to today's game in Colorado, wouldn't it be great if his words could benefit from those who came before?

You know, all of the athletes who've needed to claim they're sorry for one reason or another?

Goodness knows Zambrano, who'll express regrets for his dugout rant on June 25 at U.S. Cellular Field, has enough examples from which to choose and enough interest to make an earnest attempt worthwhile.

Sports fans love their apologies almost as much as the games themselves.

When Tiger Woods apologized for his chronic marital infidelity in February, every station from ESPN to The Golf Channel to Fox News broadcast his words to millions.

Zambrano adopted a bit of Tiger's strategy Monday when he issued his first apology via an ESPN interview.

If the Cubs were anywhere remotely close to a World Series title - and Zambrano remotely close to the top of the rotation - then he could opt to follow Patrick Kane's example and cloak his mistakes in a championship banner.

Who didn't enjoy Kane's alcohol-fueled address to the masses after the Blackhawks' parade downtown?

"I'll tell you one thing: I'll try to keep my shirt on all summer, just for you guys," said Kane, referencing the midseason tempest in Vancouver when he and two teammates were photographed shirtless in a limousine with a few young ladies.

But Kane didn't stop there. He also alluded to the incident last August in Buffalo when he and his cousin, James, were arrested for assaulting a taxi driver (Kane eventually pleaded guilty to a non-criminal charge of disorderly conduct).

"For all the cab drivers out there," Kane said with a smile as his teammates cackled behind him, "I love ya."

To assist Zambrano as he prepares his apology, let's stick to examples from the Chicago sports world.

To give him an idea of how well they worked, we're going to grade the apologies using the following scale:

• Give Him the Cane: Such a weak attempt, he should've been yanked him off the stage.

• Please Try Again: That's called a non-apology apology, fella.

• Please Cry Again: For when the waterworks are either too earnest or too crocodile-y.

• Give Him the Kane: Nice job poking the proper amount of fun at your misdeed(s).

Remember, this isn't an exhaustive list -- just a sampling of sports and situations involving Chicago athletes.

• Tommie gets so closeRemember on Nov. 8 when Bears defensive tackle Tommie Harris was ejected four plays into the Bears' 41-21 home loss to Arizona?Harris apologized the next day for punching Cardinals guard Deuce Lutui in the face."I was embarrassed, especially for my actions," Harris said. "I apologized to him. I called (Cards wideout) Larry (Fitzgerald) and had a chance to apologize to him."I just wanted to apologize to my fans first off, and the little kids out there that saw that action. I shouldn't have behaved in that manner, and I apologized to my teammates, and I'll make up for it the next time I get out there."Apology-O-Meter: A nice, direct approach. Mr. Harris deserves kudos.But wait, there was a little more to his explanation:"(Lutui) did some unnecessary stuff during the game-he kind of pushed me to my limits-"Tommie! It was the fourth play of the game! Your limits need to be less limiting. Downgrade this to Please Try Again.bull; Pippen sits and stewsIn one of the strangest moments of the Bulls' run in the 1990s, Scottie Pippen benched himself with 1.8 seconds left in Game 3 of the 1994 Eastern Conference semifinals against the Knicks because Phil Jackson asked Toni Kukoc to take the last shot.Pippen apologized eventually, though not before center Bill Cartwright cried while shredding Pippen after the game. Years later, Pippen explained his out-of-body thought process to Sports Illustrated:"I was surprised that I did it. I've got such a relationship with Phil, it was like a father and son fighting. I was sitting there, like, 'Spank me, then.' I was also thinking, 'Man, what did I just do?' But by then it was too late."Apology-O-Meter: Give him a Kane for being candid and original (and give Cartwright a Please Cry Again).But wait, Pippen deserves a bonus Kaner for a tangential apology mentioned in the SI article.In 1999, while with the Houston Rockets, Pippen requested a trade. Then-teammate Charles Barkley demanded Pippen apologize to everyone in the Rockets' orbit. According to SI, here's how Pippen responded on ESPN:"I wouldn't give Charles Barkley an apology at gunpoint. He can never expect an apology from me- if anything, he owes ME an apology for coming to play with his fat butt."Now that's classic.bull; Win the fight and the apologyDuring the heart of the 2005 Bears season, offensive linemen Olin Kreutz and Fred Miller went to an FBI firing range to blow off steam and some stationary targets. One thing led to another and, as so often happens, one guy broke the other's jaw in a fight.Miller tried to claim his injury happened in a fall at home - not an unusual tactic by professional and college athletes - but the truth came out a week later.When it did, it was Miller (the one with the steel plate in his jaw) who did the apologizing and the rationalizing."Olin and I don't have a problem with each other," Miller said.Apology-O-Meter: A coverup from the start. Give them the Cane.bull; Punky QB in Big EasyIt's important to note not all Chicago apologies have been necessary.As the Bears prepared for Super Bowl XX in New Orleans, some local fans called in to a radio show and claimed they heard Jim McMahon call the local women "sluts" and the local men "ignorant" while doing an interview with WLS-TV.The radio host passed along the gist of those calls to Buddy Diliberto, a New Orleans broadcaster, and he repeated them to set up a massive issue.Apparently New Orleans folk didn't take kindly to those references and McMahon eventually had to explain himself - though it turned out he never said those things.Diliberto offered this apology in a statement, which we'll truncate to avoid too many yawns and eye-rolls:"I wish Jim McMahon and the Bears well in the Super Bowl Sunday, and hope the remainder of the week is devoted to preparations for the game without distractions caused by my comments last night."Apology-O-Meter: Please try again. At least Diliberto was suspended for his actions, hopefully in part for this PR-penned swill.bull; Disco demolitionIn 1979, a buddy of Mike Veeck (son of then-White Sox owner Bill Veeck) told him to start listening to WLUP-FM. That's where deejay Steve Dahl made a habit of blowing up disco records on-air.That led to Mike Veeck and Dahl joining forces for Disco Demolition Night on July 12, 1979 at Comiskey Park.Everyone knows how that chaotic night turned out, so let's fast-forward to the apology part.Here's Veeck in a 2007 article found in the Charleston (S.C.) Post and Courier:"So, let's go all the way to a few years back, 2001, KC And The Sunshine Band was at a game for the Florida Marlins."So, it was decided we'd have this thing where KC and I shake hands, I make an apology along with old footage from 'Disco Demolition Night' playing on the big screen."Then after all the introduction, I come out to shake hands with him. I reach out to shake his hand, we shake hands, I apologize, his face becomes very serious and he looks at me and says 'We now have closure.'"I was standing there waiting for him to smile or laugh, and he didn't."Apology-O-Meter: Give them the Kane! How awesome is it to carry a 22-year grudge over an era that lasted perhaps five?