Don't go home directly after a funeral

My dear husband had a belief that stemmed from growing up in Nazareth, the biblical town in the Holy Land: It was that, after a funeral, one should not go directly home.

He advised people not to go home directly after a funeral, but to go to a restaurant or reception hall together and have a meal. He believed there should be a buffer between the sadness of the funeral and the "going home."

Well, I went to a Methodist funeral of a dear friend recently. And it was pretty much an all-day event. The family arrived at 10 a.m. for the start of "visitation" at the funeral home, which lasted from 11 a.m. until 3 p.m. Then there was a church ceremony service at 4 p.m. Then there was an after-service supper in the church reception hall.

While I write about coping with death every week in my column, it's a reality test to go to a new funeral myself.

This funeral service was done the way it used to be. Afterward, the family put on a supper in the church common room. Friends brought the desserts - a huge dessert table with homemade pies and cakes. Lots and lots of people, eating, reminiscing, and lingering.

There are many pitfalls and emotions surrounding a funeral or memorial service - what to wear, what to say, when to go, how long to stay. I went to the visitation about 2 p.m. and said goodbye to friend Jane. There were still many, many people there.

Open casket, in the old way. Peaceful but so sad. She was wearing one of her pretty colorful jackets and her pretty rings. One ring for grandchildren and the other her wedding ring. I saw and met many members of the family. One of her granddaughters explained the rings to me. And later it was so nice that the grandchildren had key roles in speaking and reading at the service.

At the church service and the supper, all went smoothly except when I arrived at the church, the parking was already packed and I pulled up by the door to unload a dessert I had brought for the dessert table.

After the service of about an hour and a half, as we stood up, and I suddenly remembered I had left my car parked in the driveway at the entrance and blocking some other some cars. I blurted out, "Oh, my car! I left it in the driveway." The people behind me just said, "No problem, we walked around it!" Good will. I rushed out and moved it. Turns out no harm done.

Grief can do that to you, just blocks out some regular thoughts and behaviors.

Many people do not do a traditional funeral anymore, but have a "memorial service" or a "celebration of life" gathering that focuses on the happy memories of the person.

My brother's wife, daughter, and son-in-law did that for my dear brother Nic. It was very nice, but not religious. He would have liked the whole tone and atmosphere. He was spiritual, but not religious. Lots of friends. Perhaps he was there, certainly he was around in spirit.

The biggest pitfall at a funeral or memorial is saying inappropriate words of intended "condolence."

Instead of saying "my sympathy" or "thoughts and prayers are with you," dig deeper and tell them how much the person meant to you, or how you understand their grief. The bereaved understand it may be difficult to express your sympathy, but would much rather hear some genuine words.

If there wasn't a dinner or supper after the service, consider not going straight home. Community and being with others is important, a must really.

Several years ago, we went to a memorial service with no meal afterward. Baheej was still here then. He suggested to a small group of friends that we go to a local restaurant for lunch, which we did. It gave us a chance to be together and talk of our old friend and think of happier times.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.