Dawdling 'Dawn' a fangless mess
What a furry and fangless gothic romance this turns out to be.
If only Guillermo del Toro with his penchant for scary, unseen things could have directed this movie. Or David Cronenberg with his obsession for horrific bodily transformations.
Nope.
Newcomer Bill "Dreamgirls" Condon directs "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1" as an exercise in stylistic restraint.
He pushes the obligatory gore, nudity and sex as far as he can for a market-friendly PG-13 rating, but does nothing to bump up the cast's flat line readings or the suspenseless confrontations between quicksilver vampires and growly animated werewolves.
Granted, "Breaking Dawn Part 1" only tells half the story from Stephenie Meyer's fourth and final novel in her outrageously popular "Twilight" series.
The natural inclination would be to give "Part 1" a pass as filmgoers did for the first installment of Harry Potter's cinematic swan song "The Deathly Hallows."
There's a big difference. Potter's "Part 1" was way slow and over-detailed, but well-crafted.
"Breaking Dawn Part 1" is slow, but a mess that miscalculates the inadvertent comic impact of its dialogue. That resulted in viewers at a Wednesday screening breaking into laughter.
For the first act, Condon creates a lovely, romantic story between teenage human Bella (reprised by Kristen Stewart) and much older vampire Edward (reprised by Robert Pattinson), who enjoy a perfect outdoor wedding.
(This is after Bella has a dream that she and Ed are a bloody couple on top of a wedding cake made of ripped-to-pieces corpses. Not exactly an optimistic omen.)
Jacob Black (reprised by Taylor Lautner) wolf-cotts the wedding. He thinks that Ed can't wait to turn his beloved Bella into a vampire, and that breaks his lupine heart.
The trailers for "Part 1" lay out the plot spoilers that Bella becomes pregnant only 14 days after her nuptials. (Apparently, vampires don't use condoms, or at least they never discuss the subject.)
Something goes incredibly wrong, and it appears the baby is growing so fast and furious, she/he is actually breaking Bella's bones.
<I>Yikes!</I>
But that's not the bad news.
The Native American werewolf tribe (this time they all wear shirts - and they match!) gets wind of the pregnancy and declares open season on the vampires, especially Bella's baby, wanted dead or undead.
Working from a screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg (who has adapted all the "Twilight" stories), Condon takes pains to strip out any underlying subtext in "Part 1," which could easily be a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of teenage marriage or the importance of using birth control.
Unlike the earlier teen pregnancy movie "Juno," in which both pro-life and pro-choice camps could claim victory in the comedy's adoption theme, "Breaking Dawn" is more like "Rosemary's Baby" in that neither side can truly claim the righteous high ground.
Two female vampires actually argue over whether Bella's unborn child should be called a fetus or a baby. (They compromise by calling it hungry.)
The actors in "Breaking Dawn" like to snort.
A lot.
In fact, Stewart transforms snorting into its own acting discipline, one consisting of regular nasal snorts, exasperated exhalations and guttural noises through her teeth.
(As a favor, if you see "Breaking Dawn," count the number of times Stewart snorts and report it to me at dgire@dailyherald.com.)
The last two "Twilight" movies have offered perfect cliffhanger ending scenes, and "Breaking Dawn Part 1" closes with a doozy.
What happens to Bella, her voracious fetus/baby and the two strange men in her life (unlife)? We'll find out when "Breaking Dawn Part 2" opens Nov. 12, 2012.
"I know how this ends!" Jacob shouts to Bella. "I'm not going to stay and watch!"
"Twilight" fans will. Variety reports "Part 1" could rake in $140 million by Sunday.
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1”
★ ★
Starring: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke
Directed by: Bill Condon
Other: A Summit Entertainment release. Rated PG-13 for nudity, violence and “thematic” elements. 117 minutes