New York is his kind of town but gal says no way

Q. I live in Arlington, Va., with my girlfriend of five years. Both of us hope this is headed toward marriage, but we haven’t made it official yet.

The problem is, I want to move to New York, but she doesn’t, and her job doesn’t allow for easy moves. I don’t need to move, I just feel very called to New York, maybe even just for a year or so — I went to college there, love the city, still have friends there.

Girlfriend and I have been long-distance before, very successfully, so I don’t see the big deal in doing it again. However, she said if I go, she’ll take it as a clear message that I don’t want to be with her, and break up with me.

This is so unfair! I do want to be with her, I just also want to take New York for a spin, especially while I’m still relatively young and figuring my life out. Why won’t she hang in there for that? Can you think of a compromise I could offer? I feel like there’s no good solution here.

A. Someone who decides it’s not a “big deal” to arbitrarily demote his committed partner to dating via bus (and possibly eating his half of the rent) has no business calling anyone “unfair.” Excuse me, “soooo unfair!!!!” (Excesses added.)

She’s just as entitled to her needs as you are.

Meanwhile, if by “good solution” you mean getting your way without sacrificing anything, then I think you’ll find good solutions are exceedingly rare.

A problem by definition means you both want different things, so a “good” solution will just be the one that does the least damage — by accurately reflecting your priorities without trashing your promises. Meaning, yes, someone loses out.

Your available priorities include: your yearnings, your girlfriend’s comfort, your relationship. If you believe her needs trump yours, or if you’d derive more satisfaction from honoring your partnership, then you stay and face the consequences (your disappointment). If you foresee feeling resentful and stuck, then you move and face the consequences (your breakup).

There are variations on these themes. If you have the means and/or flexibility, you head north for a month and see how New Yorky you feel after that. You can also give your trip a clear purpose and finish line, like an internship or a course. Though even then, I’d advise her to remain skeptical.

Even better: If you’re ready to propose, then propose. Explain that heading north means you do want to be with her; you know New York living won’t be an option after you’re married, so you want to go now. Last hurrah. Since it’s now or never, you’re hoping she won’t insist on “never.”

That is, if that’s the truth. There’s no right answer; there’s only the sincere one, the one that reflects your true motives. To downplay doubts, to pretend you’re not asking much of your girlfriend, to act without trying to see her side? Each would be wildly unfair.

Q. You’ve addressed destination weddings, but I need to know about when we are not invited to those weddings but, rather, to a reception some weeks afterward. These are usually done on a much smaller budget in a home or under a tent somewhere in the wilderness. Are we obligated to attend and take a gift? I’d rather not since it seems like a cheap way to get a present. I also don’t like bugs.

A. I love ’em. And not only do I dig occupying a couple’s outer tiers of social relevance, I find it particularly gratifying to buy them housewares, especially when they supply me with a SKU number.

That’s fun to write, but not fun to believe. Not when I could be enjoying a warm party on a cool night (cool party on a warm night?), toasting the marriage of friends who thought to include me in their celebration.

Are they my closest friends? I guess not, but I still care, so I’m not going to let my ego prick me for failing to make the 20-person cut to witness the vows. They wouldn’t make my 20-person cut, either.

And: If I wanted a new set of crystal highball glasses, just going out and buying them for myself would be a lot easier than throwing a catered party for umpty-dozen people under a rented tent. Some people are afflicted with loot lust, yes, but if you suspect a couple of such base materialism, then you don’t like them much and should decline the invitation anyway. Otherwise, go with a smile. (But not a gift; those are better shipped.)

Ÿ E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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