'Twilight' parody 'Vampires Suck' revels in bad taste

"What would you do to save the one you loved?" Becca Crane ponders during the opening scene in a bloodless parody of the "Twilight" movies, "Vampires Suck."

I would do one of the following:

1) Shoot the kneecaps off loved ones to keep them from walking into a theater to see this movie.

2) Puncture their eardrums and seal their eyelids to keep them from hearing the inane dialogue and seeing the juvenile sight gags in this movie.

3) Tell them that Edward would not approve of wasting 80 minutes of a human life watching this movie. And he's 109 years old.

Once upon a time in the 1980s, parody films such as "Airplane" and "Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad" reigned supreme because they combined wit with nonsense and mercilessly poked fun at movie conventions with savage accuracy.

Today, parody pictures such as the endless sequels to "Scary Movie," "Epic Movie" and "Disaster Movie" are little more than sophomoric collections of idiotic non-sequiturs, personal hygiene jokes, gross-outs and hit-and-mostly-miss sight gags.

"Vampires" has the added burden of parodying a series of abstinence-preaching vampire romances populated by brooding, dismal characters. So, we get main characters who brood dismally.

To its credit and detriment, this parody casts newcomer Jenn Proske, a Boston University theater graduate, as Becca Crane, the stand-in for "Twilight" student Bella Swan. Proske nails - and I mean nails - Kristen Stewart's mannered and nervous gestures, halting vocal delivery and dorky running style.

This is a credit to Proske's talent. She's so good at capturing Stewart, Becca becomes just as tiresome as Bella as her movie fumbles about poking fun at the source material.

Becca meets Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter, not a dead ringer for Robert Pattinson) at high school chemistry class where he wears a hazmat suit to keep from smelling her.

Earlier in the cafeteria, Jennifer (perky Netherlands-born Anneliese van der Pol) can tell Becca and Edward are hot for each other. "You're staring at each other in slow motion!"

Jacob White (Chris Riggi), who has a furry tail sticking out of his hind quarters, wants Becca to forget dead Ed and hang with him. He belongs to the hunky, shirtless group of werewolf guys who, in the film's most daring bit, break into a stereotypical gay dance routine to confound evil vampires.

"Vampires" contains pop culture references to "Jersey Shore" and the Kardashians, but these are pointless kiss-offs, as are the sexually inappropriate observations from Sheriff Crane (Diedrich Bader) about his daughter Becca.

"You're no looker," Dad tells her, "and you twitch a lot."

In one meta-moment, Becca's droning voice-over narrator has to wrestle her movie away from the "Gossip Girl" voice-over narrator.

Unfortunately, Becca wins.

<p class="factboxheadblack">"Vampires Suck"</p

<p class="News">One star</p>

<p class="News"><b>Starring:</b> Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi</p>

<p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selter</p>

<p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG-13 for language, nudity, sexual situations, violence. 80 minutes</p>