How can I be happy while not blowing up my life?
By Carolyn Hax
Q. I have a bit of an open-ended question. When I’m unhappy, I tend to want to change everything — job, relationships, etc. — at once. It’s hard for me to decipher where I’m unhappy and what the best ways are to change things, rather than blow up my whole life. Are there ways to start to unpack all of this?
A. When you have the urge to blow up everything, the most prominent common denominator is you, right? So, the question waiting for an answer is, why don’t you feel like you’re living the right life for you? Big stuff. That’s why, absent an epiphany, the best place to start is with small steps toward getting healthy. Are you getting enough sleep, being conscientious about any health issues, eating well, making an effort not to be sedentary?
If you’re maintaining your physical health, then move on to your emotional health: Are you putting effort into the people who are good for you, and distancing yourself from takers, criticizers, enablers or those who otherwise bring out your worst? If your physical and emotional habits are solid, then move on to temporary rut-busting: vacation. Give your eyes a new place to rest. Familiarity can limit your thinking.
If you have an antibiotic-resistant strain of the blahs, then it’s time to weigh the big, external pieces of your life, like where you live, what you do for a living, whom you befriend, date and trust.
But even then, start small: Can any of these be tweaked, versus blown up? If tweaks don’t work, are there any changes that can be easily made or reversed? Can you walk away from anything temporarily, via sabbatical, temporary reassignment, trial separation, “a break”?
The blowup solution pretty much assures that you can avoid facing that thing, whatever it is, you so badly want to avoid — whereas a methodical approach, honestly executed, will take you right to its door.
Q. My fiance is European, I am from the United States, and after our fall wedding we will be living in a different country altogether.
Since where we live next depends on where both of us get our next jobs, we can only specify two continents with any certainty. That is why I would like people to make a donation to our relocation fund. We don’t need crystal bowls and cake knives as much as money to get started in our new home.
My fiance feels uncomfortable asking for money, but I feel like that would be the best use of our friends’ and family’s generosity. Is it ever OK to just ask for money? If so, how can we do it without sounding tacky?
A. The Holy Grail, cold fusion, Bigfoot, Atlantis, the cure for the common cold, a tasteful way to request cash gifts: What do these things have in common?
If the mythic quest for the polite shakedown ever has a happy conclusion, then I’ll be sure to publish an update in this space.
The first and best option is to remind yourself that getting started in your new home is entirely your financial responsibility. If they provide more, then that’s just a pleasant bonus. Since you need to provide some kind of answer to gift inquiries, you have an additional, more practical option: “Thanks so much for asking — we didn’t register, because we’ve got an international move coming soon.”
You can also ask your close relatives and friends — i.e., those whom guests traditionally approach for gift ideas — to convey that no-registry message. An international crowd is more likely than a strictly American one to equate “wedding gift” with “cash.”
Ÿ Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.