Vamp camp sucks fun from 'Dark Shadows'
Call it a bad idea, executed poorly.
Tim Burton's campy remake of ABC's hilariously serious 1966-1971 cult horror soap opera "Dark Shadows" fails to be extremely funny or particularly scary, and nearly all its big money moments have been compromised by commercials and trailers that spoil its meager surprises.
Burton's "Dark Shadows" emanates little affection for the original series, which turned Shakespearean actor Jonathan Frid into an instant star once he entered the foreboding Collinswood castle as Barnabas Collins, a centuries-old vampire in search of romance.
Johnny Depp's Barnabas Collins is a wacky haircut in search of a character, stuck in a movie in search of a purpose.
"Dark Shadows" begins in 1760 with Barnabas narrating the boring details of his life in Maine as a member of the Collins family, which grew rich from the fishing industry.
When Barny falls for the pretty Josette (Bella Heathcote), a jealous witch named Angelique ("Casino Royale" star Eva Green) compels Josette to jump off a cliff, then turns despondent Barnabas into a vampire and has him buried alive. Uh, undead.
Two centuries pass. Construction workers at the Collins estate dig up Barnabas' coffin and free him, not a smart move, given that he hasn't had much to drink for a while.
Stuck in 1972, Barnabas becomes a bat out of water, thrust into a strange world of peace signs, Volkswagen vans, love beads, hippies and baby boomer golden oldies resurrected from John Landecker's record vault at WLS-FM.
At the now-dilapidated castle, the estate caretaker (Freddy Krueger actor Jackie Earle Haley) ushers him in to meet his new relatives, a dull, mostly unmemorable lot led by matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer).
Her daughter Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz) appears to be vaguely rebellious and surly. Roger Collins (Jonny Lee Miller) has the personality of a soap dish. Mercurial orphan David Collins (Gulliver McGrath), whose mother has reportedly drowned, hides a dark secret.
Then there's odd Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter, alias Burton's main squeeze), a strange woman hired to treat little David for something-or-other.
Into the castle comes young Victoria Winters (also Heathcote), a new governess for David, and the spitting image of Barnabas' beloved Josette!
It doesn't take long for Barnabas to realize that Angelique still lives and has become the owner of Angie's, a pre-Internet company that has usurped much of the fish market from the Collins business.
Now, just when it should be personal, Burton's "Dark Shadows" actually musters less personality than Dan Curtis' hit TV series and the gorier 1970 theatrical feature ("House of Dark Shadows") it inspired.
Written by Seth Grahame-Smith and John August, Burton's movie resembles an "Airplane"-like parody too frightened to drive the comedy stake all the way in. It took 30 minutes at a Monday-night screening of "Dark Shadows" for the first joke to coax laughter from a packed house.
Depp's restrained vampire strikes a slightly comic note, but he's forced to utter juvenile double-entendres (he advocates putting on "posh balls" where people can party) and sleeps hanging upside down as little Eddie would do on TV's "The Munsters."
Turning "Dark Shadows" into a 1972 period comedy adds nothing to this movie (it sidesteps any direct mention of Nixon, Vietnam, Watergate or any other major touchstone).
It winds up as a hodgepodge of horror clichés, generic special effects, flat jokes and characters unworthy of our concern and sympathies.
Even the score, by longtime Burton composer Danny Elfman, is a pale echo of the creepy, over-the-top Robert Colbert music that helped define the original "Dark Shadows" experience.
And the part where a simple lava lamp frightens Barnabas?
Priceless (as in "not worth anything").
“Dark Shadows”
★ ½
Starring: Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Michelle Pfeiffer
Directed by: Tim Burton
Other: A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG-13 for sexual situations, language, violence, smoking, drug use. 120 minutes