Be supportive in the first weeks, but also in the following years

After the funeral, burial or memorial comes the big "after."

That's when you are home alone without your beloved, your dear mother or father, or sibling or child.

The first week is so intense and sometimes "goes by in a blur." There are so many demands on a person - in addition to trying to come to grips with what has happened.

In my experience, this is especially so for a person experiencing the unexpected death of a spouse or partner, or a sudden death of a parent, a child or other very dear one.

First one faces the task of arranging the funeral, or cremation and memorial arrangements - all the planning. There's so many choices and decisions. Often relatives or friends step in and take over these matters. But not always.

For me, the very next morning our youngest son and I were in the car on the way to the funeral home. It was a surreal experience - all the practical decisions one must make while numb. Choose a casket, order death certificates, choose a "package" that includes a bundle of services, understand what clothes to bring back to the funeral home, transportation to church, and a flight to New Hampshire where the burial would happen. I did not know one also needed a burial "vault." It all felt macabre.

Thank goodness our son was there to choose the casket. I was operating in a fog. He chose a casket he felt Baheej would like, beautiful carved wood with biblical scenes of the Last Supper in brass on all sides. He made the right choice. Thank goodness the kind funeral director took over everything else. All I needed to do was agree and sign.

Then we drove to the restaurant we chose to cater the after-funeral dinner. Baheej is a Christian Arab from Nazareth in the Holy Land. So we had a formal funeral service at our Greek Orthodox Church, St. George.

It was summer and the college was on summer vacation and we had no idea how much food to order. We just guessed so there would be plenty. We didn't know how to notify people on summer break. I put an obituary in the newspapers. I called a couple faculty friends. I ordered Baheej's favorite dishes.

All this and more was done in only one day because Baheej died on the 11th and the funeral was on the 13th. And the family was pouring in from all over the country.

Well, the funeral week is one thing, with much loving support. But then, a week or two later, you basically are home alone, facing the weeks and months ahead - the first year. The first year is an entire other matter.

First comes the intense physical and emotional pain, sadness of grief. This is a very, very hard time for many, who often really suffer in private. And the most intense hurt lasts for weeks, maybe months.

Then comes the first birthday, first anniversary, first Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, first every holiday. Yes, it's true that the first year is the hardest, even though the grief may always be there in years to come.

Our wedding anniversary was two days after the burial. Very tough. I was with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law in New Hampshire where I stayed several days after the burial. I'm so thankful for them, along with the great help of friends there. They took over the burial dinner gathering at home. Many friends and family were there locally or traveled to New Hampshire to be at the burial after the funeral in Chicago.

Really, there's no way to get around those firsts. It's just very hard. Recently a widow described her grief as "raw" the first year, and still now two years later. "It seems just like yesterday" is often the feeling, and it was like that for me, too. I still feel this way now after eight years.

The word "raw" is very apt for the intense grief of the first month, year or more, for many bereaved. Other words/phrases could be confused, in a fog, in a blur. The first year is especially tough as one tries to figure out how to start coping with the grief and how to manage it.

The point is: The most a caring friend or relative can really do is be there, be supportive and realize what's going on for the bereaved person. Offer comfort when you can. Sometimes all that's needed is to just listen and allow him or her to talk.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.