Likely both your first and last Valentine's Days evoke emotions
On one of the last Valentine Days I spent with my dear husband, we went to our favorite Italian Dominick's Restaurante and had a special dessert after a lovely dinner — a heart-shaped chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for two! That heart cake, romantic and delicious, was just the right size to split into two servings.
As I remember, it was so popular that you had to reserve one of the cakes in advance if you wanted to be sure you'd get one by the time you came for dinner. I found they still serve that cake on Valentine's Day.
Even though Valentine's Day was probably a commercial marketing invention to sell greeting cards, flowers and candy and encourage a special dinner out, it became very popular and was already an annual event when I was a kid, even for children.
I have lots of happy associations with that day starting from childhood. Treats at school and lots of valentines, because it was a tradition all through grade school (up until about age 8) to bring valentine cards to classmates. Usually one for each person in the whole class.
I remember one could buy a big bag of valentines and then address one to each person by first name. And exchange them in class, leaving one on each person's desk. So I also came home with a whole sack just for me. It was fun.
As we got older, valentines were more targeted to special friends or a boyfriend or best girlfriends, sometimes unsigned so the person was left wondering who?
My own mother was good at these childhood holidays, even the minor ones. We may find a little gift at the breakfast table on our plate, maybe a little heart shaped pin, or a shamrock on St. Patrick's, or a little jack-o'-lantern pin on Halloween for girls or a candy bar for the boys. Baheej and I always celebrated and made a big deal over Valentine's Day. I miss those loving cards from him that I used to find all around the house.
Recently the work of Krista St. Germain was brought to my attention. She does a podcast and writes about grief. Her own husband was killed seven years ago by a drunken driver. She feels that we usually focus on the “first” holiday or anniversary after a death, when actually the “last” one may be even harder.
I see what St. Germain means, because if one is coping with long-term grief, as many of us are, the most recent holiday or current one can bring up very sad feelings that rival that first year. The grief is still here for many.
Well, this alert to “last” is interesting. I'm sure there's a lot of truth in it, depending on personality and many circumstances. My guess is, it's not an either/or sort of situation. For many it's more of an annual series of events depending on which holidays or anniversaries were more important in the relationship. And the feelings depend on how successful we've become at managing and coping with grief.
So the point is: Whether you need to manage and cope with “firsts” or “lasts” or both, we need to muster up our coping skills and try to manage the day in a way that helps you feel better. This takes some preplanning, whether you prefer to be more alone or with friends and family. So, what are we to do that day.
In my case, Valentine's Day has many happy associations, and is not a tragic day. The first was definitely hard for me, but usually not as much now, maybe briefly here and there. Since I found that the heart-shaped cake is still being served, I plan to reserve one this year, and have it delivered. I saved lots of Baheej's Valentine cards. I knew where some of them were and brought them out to enjoy today.
Happy Valentine's Day!
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.