Lincicome: Aging gracefully ... on the cover of SI's Swimsuit Edition?

The question of why a sports magazine would put an 81-year-old ex-convict on their cover in a swimsuit begs the question of why a sports magazine would put anyone in a swimsuit on their cover who was not, you know, swimming.

In the long tradition of pruriency - is that a word? - the above mentioned sports magazine may have stretched itself beyond thin, that being the usual standard for its swimsuit models and its swimsuit logic, not to mention its swimsuit wardrobes.

I must admit that I have not rushed out to buy a copy of the magazine, nor am I sure of where exactly to do that, and my subscription lapsed long ago. So, my response depends entirely on the online depictions of the good lady, not looking her age at all, which is, I suppose, the point.

You, too, can be beautiful if you start out that way and have a cadre of primpers to keep you that way. All you need is dependable makeup, good lighting and ego.

I have nothing against old persons, being one myself, and I am encouraged when an elder is taken seriously, which, in this case, she is not.

She is a gimmick and a laugh, offering envy to her contemporaries and wonder to the kids who nudge each other and ask, "Did you see? Grandma's got cleavage."

What any of this has to do with sports has long since been disregarded, has been accepted as a distinctly American marketing conceit since the sports magazine decided in 1964 to feature swimsuit models in order to make up for February, the hollow gourd of sports months.

Why the swimsuit issue moved to May, the busiest of sports months, is unclear, and how it became the conscience of true beauty never strays far from the beauties on the beach, at the same time offering transgenders and plus-sizers and seniors.

So, hurray for all of that and if no one is fooled, the effort is noted. Just last year a cover model was the 74-year-old mother of a prominent rich man, a twofer in the lingo of publicity.

But nothing like this. Martha Stewart has her own fame, her business realm, her rap sheet, all irrespective of the addition of Sports Illustrated. This is a three-or-four-fer.

So what was she thinking?

Stewart gave an answer on Instagram. "I hope this cover inspires you to challenge yourself to try new things, no matter what stage of life you are in."

A good suggestion, though posing for magazine covers is not an option among the new things most of us can try. And while we may diet and exercise, as she did to get ready for the camera, as we try to do to get ready for bed, at our back we always hear time's winged chariot. uh, I used to know my Andrew Marvel. Check Google for the rest.

The emphasis in sports has always been on youth, anticipating the up-and-comers, admiring the hanger-oners. Basketball and hockey are anticipating teenagers uplifting their sports.

LeBron James is still astonishing, Tom Brady was still winning, Serena Williams kept resisting and Tiger Woods dared to defy, probably still is. These are all inspirations to help face the inevitability of passing time.

To offer America's homemaker posed as a hottie is pandering. Are octogenarians supposed to look like Cheryl Tiegs? Even Cheryl Tiegs doesn't look like Cheryl Tiegs, but, then, she is only 75.

As our cover girl said somewhere amid the hoo-haw of attention, "The whole aging thing is so boring. You know what I mean?"

She was talking to someone at least 40 years younger so I assume her interviewer did not know what she meant. I, on the other hand, do.

Not looking one's age is instinctual. I know a fellow who, in his late 40s, started dying his hair and kept it up for 10 years, fooling no one and staining his bathroom sink. OK, it was me.

I've concluded there are three stages of life, you know what I mean? Youth, maturity and "Don't you look good?"

Well, you have to try.