Grammar Moses: My je ne sais quoi is wearing thin

One of these days there will be a massive pileup on Algonquin Road, and you'll have this column to blame.

Allow me to explain.

For months now — it seems like years — I've been assaulted with a radio ad for a bank that refers to “Midwestern je ne sais quoi.” The voice actor chortles briefly after saying that and then explains that's French for “quality.”

Non, it's not.

It's gotten to the point that as I drive to work, dutifully paying attention to the traffic around me, this radio ad sneaks up on me. I usually am able to either turn off the radio or change the station just before he delivers the line that sets my teeth on edge.

“Je ne sais quoi” is a quality, but not synonymous with quality.

The direct translation is “I don't know what.”

It's a hard-to-put-your-finger-on quality of pleasantness that often is ascribed to Midwesterners.

As I fumble with the radio, I look up to see whether the legions of motorists around me are doing the same thing.

Maybe now that you've read this, you will, too.

I apologize in advance if this causes a series of fender-benders.

I need an editor

Every editor needs an editor, as the saying goes.

I was reminded of that the other day by reader Carolyn Wissmiller, who took one of my verbose paragraphs and tightened it for me.

Here are the offending sentences:

“This is a conversation I could have with every writer at this newspaper. I should say it in a mirror, while I'm at it. People with whom you converse and people with whom we converse through this newspaper are busy people. Everyone wants us to get to the point.”

Carolyn's rewrite is as follows: “I could have this conversation with every writer at this newspaper, including myself. People are busy. Everyone wants us to get to the point.”

“I realize you were going for humor with the mirror reference — it was funny — but if your point is about concise writing, well ...” she wrote.

Good feedback, Carolyn.

Therein lies the rub. I don't want to rush the punchline. And you don't want me to deliver antiseptic lessons on grammar. So, as my mother would tell me with a wink, “Suffer!”

High rate of speed

I'm sure you've surmised by now that while many people plan their day in the shower, I get much of my inspiration in the car.

While listening to a news report Friday morning on the Hoboken train crash I heard someone — a civilian — say, “I observed it traveling at a high rate of speed.”

And people call me wordy.

What has happened to this nation when everyday joes spew such jargon?

Let's pick it apart. “I observed” is unnecessary. Since you saw it, just say what you saw. “High rate of speed” = fast.

“It was going fast” is how you'd describe it to your mom, so please talk to reporters that way.

Fast versus quick

Some grammarians will say I'm all wet on the distinction between “fast” and “quick,” but I firmly believe there is a difference.

A freight train dragging 200 coal cars is going 60 mph. On a parallel road, a Bugatti Veyron is going 60 mph.

Don't worry, there isn't much math here.

My point is, the freight and the super car are going the same speed.

But while it takes the train seemingly forever to get up to 60 mph, it takes the Bugatti only 2.8 seconds.

“Fast” is to speed as “quick” is to acceleration.

So while both can be fast (let's face it, the car has the ability to be much faster) only the car is quick.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.