Mom struggles to appreciate son for who he is

Q. My son is 12 and, for the most part, a pretty good kid. He isn't a standout in academics or sports and isn't socially adept, but he has a good sense of humor. I, on the other hand, was raised to compete.

I was therefore elated when he recently placed high enough to be included in the school spelling bee. He told me he wanted out of the bee, but I encouraged him to take his best shot.

I was more than chagrined when on the first round, a practice round really, he misspelled the word on purpose and did a mocking bow in my direction. I was surprised at the level of anger I felt.

I think underneath everything I have been waiting for 12 years for him to be good at something. I wouldn't have cared if he got out on a difficult word, I am not about winning, but I want him to try his best. And this was obviously not his best.

How can I approach this incident, mocking bow and all, without overreacting to the point that I damage our relationship, or overthinking to the hyperbolic, " ... thus he will never succeed at anything"?

A. At a tender 12 he has already succeeded at completely ungluing his mom, so at least give him credit for that.

Seriously. He studied your vulnerabilities - patiently, quietly and presumably for years - then unleashed a drone strike to the heart of your competitive worldview. Which makes him not just "good at something," it makes him excellent at calling you out for making his moment all about you. Broadly applicable skill.

So how do you approach this incident? As you'd acknowledge any masterstroke: "Touche." Then, you apologize to him, for all these years of not really seeing him for who he is.

He took a dive in the bee because he sees this in you better than you do right now.

Normally it makes sense for parents to urge their kids out of their comfort zones, in age-appropriate ways of course. They need to learn to face their fears, put risk in perspective, and emerge with the understanding that trying and failing at something difficult can feel better than acing something easy.

But for that to work, parents have to create an environment of supported risk - where your child is matched with challenges he has been equipped to handle, and where he knows he's accepted and loved independent of the outcome.

The environment you describe in your letter isn't that. Instead the message between your lines is, "For the love of pom-poms, give me something to cheer about already, you confounding child."

So he made the only safe choice he had, which was to fail comfortably on his terms. Emotionally quite clever, in fact.

You're clearly raising your son to be competitive and it's just as clearly not working, which could make him Exhibit A for the argument that parenting needs to reflect the kid, and not vice versa.

Try widening your definition of "best.," uncoupling your notion of working hard from being competitive. See your son as great at being himself.

And, try encouraging hard work through his strengths, not yours. I suspect the next bow won't be ironic if you just love him for who he is.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.