Grammar Moses: When is an epithet an epitaph?

I often get emails about flaws readers find in obituaries: the misplaced modifier that suggests someone was the 10th child in a family to be born in one day; the sometimes flowery words that merely hint at death without coming right out and saying so.

Obituaries are a function of the advertising department. People pay good money to say what they want - in the words they or their funeral directors choose - about their loved ones.

Obit coordinator Bonnie Bulmash and I talk occasionally about grammar and obits, and she might offer people counsel if a submitted obit suggests something unintended or if someone were to portray Uncle Phil, say, as a philandering jerk.

I receive mail about the appropriateness of language or anecdotes in stories about the deaths of well-known people. But I don't recall ever getting an email about our quick rundown of celebrity birthdays - until now.

"As I sit reading today's paper (Monday, June 25) I again find the misuse of language," wrote David Scarpino. "Please look ... at 'Today's birthdays.' Specifically 'Ian McDonald of Foreigner and King Crimson is 72.' Shouldn't it read "are 72"?

No, David. The verb applies to Ian McDonald (one person) who was a co-founder of two great bands (Foreigner and, I just learned, King Crimson.) The verb applies to the subject of the sentence, which is a singular. Remove the phrase about his being in bands and you get "Ian McDonald is 72."

And that makes me feel old.

Don't be quick to judge

In my youth, I was immersed in the sciences. Today, I'm mired in words.

I don't know at what point I developed strong feelings about how to differentiate "quick" from "fast," but I suspect it was about the time I pivoted to journalism from engineering.

I preface this discussion with the disclaimer that there is little from learned grammarians and dictionary editors to support my position that there is a distinction.

But I think it'll make sense to you, too.

If "fast" relates to speed, then "quick" relates to acceleration.

I know both words have several definitions, but let's talk about them in terms of cars.

Many production cars can hit 120 mph, meaning they can all achieve that velocity. They're all equally fast.

But the quicker car is the one that can achieve that velocity in less time. Or, the car with the greater acceleration is the quicker car.

In a quarter-mile, the quicker car always wins.

Do you think I'm off my rocker or do you agree? Let me hear your thoughts.

Hurling epitaphs?

I made a running list of words I see used incorrectly or interchangeably. Epithet/epitaph is one pairing.

At first blush you might think these are worlds apart. Not so.

An epitaph is an elegy: a few words in memory of someone who has died, notably what is cut into a gravestone.

An epithet is a word or phrase that sums someone up, fairly or otherwise. While we use epithets often, when we speak or write the word "epithet" it's usually in a negative context, as in "racial epithet."

"Scarface" is an epithet for Al Capone.

"Shoeless Joe" is an epithet applied to legendary White Sox outfielder Joe Jackson. "Lionheart" is an epithet given to Richard I, the 12th-century king of England known for his military exploits.

While you often find epithets in epitaphs, Shoeless Joe's grave marker is a simple bronze plaque with names and dates - no epithet, no epitaph. Visitors often adorn it with pennies, baseballs, bats and, you guessed it, white socks.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.