Grandmother and aunts put indelible stamp on families

The women in the family are usually the "great communicators," often are the "glue" for family unity by hosting holidays, Sunday dinners, family reunions, bringing that special homemade pie or cake to supper, and just keeping everyone in touch and up-to-date.

And if you are lucky enough to have such a loving grandmother or favorite aunt, you know how hard it is when they are gone.

Often, the death of a grandmother or aunt really disrupts the rhythm of family life. She may be the one who gets the family together every Sunday, or hosts Christmas Eve, Christmas dinner, Hanukkah, or Thanksgiving, or other high holidays or special anniversaries.

But even more difficult, is that you can never again call her for advice, or go shopping together, or to church together, or just stop by and chat. And some people grew up with a grandmother living in the same home. So that makes an even larger void.

I lost both my grandmothers years ago, but luckily they were there when I was growing up.

My Grandparents Anderson lived right across from our grade school. So often I would stop to see Grandmother Katherine (as we called her) after school. In those days doors were never locked. She was often in her gardens tending her prizewinning flowers, so first I'd go in and help myself to a homemade Swedish ginger cookie from the cookie jar she always kept full for us in her old-fashioned pantry. Then I'd go find her in the garden and just watch and talk.

My father was her only child. She was a lovely person and was always delighted to see me. It was comforting to be able to just stop by anytime. And she was a great cook. I have her recipe box with all the favorite recipes. I often make Swedish salmon loaf exactly as she did, delicious. Although as kids, we didn't always appreciate some of those everyday Swedish foods, pickled herring, lutefisk - are acquired tastes. My Mom was not Swedish, so at home we got steak or meatloaf not salmon loaf! And Grandmother was a fine hostess, lots of memories and some photos of her grand Thanksgiving dinners with us all around their dining room table with all the finery out for use.

My maternal Grandmother Jesse (Hicks) was a former frontier one-room schoolteacher and an Oklahoma wheat farmer's wife. She didn't teach after marriage. And many of my fond memories of her are also are based in food. One frequent memory of her is operating over her big farmhouse kitchen - cooking, baking, sending us kids out to get eggs from the chicken coop, making family meals, usually a big one at midday. Southern fried chicken from their own barnyard, fresh eggs, homemade egg noodles, homegrown vegetables, custard pies, fresh milk, eggshell coffee, big farm breakfasts.

She was so kind, patient, and loving to her many grandchildren, loved her husband, Howard, and all the family. My mother was one of four children. We spent a good part of every summer there with them on that wheat farm. A long drive from Northern Minnesota but worth it.

Many people have their own fond memories of grandmothers and favorite aunts. Many were raised or partially raised by grandmothers or aunts. We learned so much from these women and they helped shape who we are today.

Their loss is a big one and can lead to intense grief, even long-term grief. It's said that it takes a village to raise a child. And it's true - children need and usually have close relationships with several caring adults, not just their own parents. I recently went the funeral service of a dear friend and most of the service was led by her loving grandchildren and even one of her students from 30 or 40 years ago.

So it's good to remember grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and former students when comforting the bereaved.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.