Get over little spats. Friendship too valuable to squander

If you get into some sort of spat or argument with a friend, remember - there are two sides to every story. The friend or dear relative may have said or done the wrong thing, even something hurtful, but also consider your reaction or overreaction. It could be them overreacting or it could be you.

Especially in grief, overreactions are common because people in grief are super sensitive and often "not themselves." And with this extra "stay-at-home" pressure during the pandemic, nerves are a bit frayed.

I'm not suggesting we put up with frequent bad behavior, but occasionally even a good friend could act wrongly. We may also. Most people have been there.

My suggestions are:

1. Cool down a bit; don't argue while angry or hurt.

2. Then express your concern or hurt - on the phone or, better yet, in person. In person is not always possible these days. Email and texting is not as good in such situations. This type of communication is too brief with too much room for the wrong words or tone.

3. Try to listen to the other; there are usually two sides to the story.

4. For an uncharacteristic affront, there is such a thing as forgiveness. Even self-forgiveness. We all make mistakes.

Some people do not matter as much - such as a rude clerk, a casual acquaintance, or bad driver on the road. They are easy to forget or ignore - but with a friend or close relative, things become more complicated. And one must deal with that.

Grief spawns some odd and unexpected behavior - in ourselves and in others who are bereaved. It's hard to know what can set it off.

Think about it. Disagreements, a few harsh words and verbal kerfuffels can happen within families, requiring apologies and patching up. I'm not talking about abuse; there is no fixing that. I'm just talking about normal spats. Abuse is a whole different matter.

The point is: Job 1 is to find a way to patch up a spat with a friend. Real friendship is hard to come by and not something one should lose easily. Think about it. Could grief be an underlying factor in the squabble?

There is often a lot of anger in grief, even in long-term grief, not just in initial grief. Anger can persist, not withstanding Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's ideas on the stages and progression of grief. Anger is hard to control for some people. Sometimes we can't avoid being the brunt of it, but we can find a way to get over a transgression by a friend or relative.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.