Grammar Moses: Cannot I have your attention?

Reader Gib Van Dyne always has an interesting take on English.

"When contractions are 'uncontracted,' a word sequence results: You can't. You cannot. That shouldn't: That should not. But when the contraction is in a question, the uncontracted word sequence appears incorrect. Can't I?. Can not I? Wouldn't you? Would not you?" he wrote.

"Correct sequence would seem to be: Can I not? Would you not? There would seem to be a contraction infraction of proper English."

I don't have a good answer, Gib, other than to write the "can not I" structure sounds old-fashioned, poetic, perhaps biblical.

It doesn't have a good mouth feel.

But there is a lot of other bait in the water, now that you've opened that can of worms.

What's the difference between "Can't you sing this five-octave song?" and "Can you not sing this five-octave song?"

The "can't you" version asks a question: Are you able to do it?

The "can you not" version is rhetorical. For those who have trouble reading the room, that means, "Stop already."

"Would you not?" is a sentence in itself, despite its lack of an action verb.

My wife and I could be watching TV from our swivel rockers - we prefer to swivel and rock at different rates and planes, so a sofa simply ... wouldn't ... work - and she might rotate her chair and head to face me and say, menacingly, between gritted teeth, "Would you NOT?"

The verb, naturally, would be "tap your feet" or "slurp your iced tea" or "send your toenails pinwheeling across the room" or "chomp so loudly on that popcorn" or "criticize people's grammar" or "laugh at the vapidity of the contestants" on whatever home search/improvement show she has chosen.

I've clearly put words in her mouth for dramatic effect. I rarely need more than a simple look.

Another indicator that this was largely my invention is she would never concede to the vapidity of those house-hunting morons who want a guest bedroom and a full PA system for band practice in their 204-square-foot tiny house.

Distracting thought

I recently read a sentence that made me think that some people don't know whether to use "distract" or "detract" in a sentence.

They sound alike, and their definitions live in the same neighborhood, after all.

To distract is to take someone's attention away from something.

To detract is to take value away from something.

A cocktail server at the Paris Casino in Las Vegas will distract blackjack players from minding the cards on the felt.

The Eiffel Tower Restaurant at the Paris Casino would detract from the classiness of the place if it were to put deep-fried Oreos on its dessert menu.

Mea culpa

Two weeks ago I delved into my German roots and my desire as a lad to some day have the job of a burly man.

In tweaking a sentence to apologize for the lack of an umlaut in my font, I transposed the neighboring "l" and "z" in "Holzfaller."

Judy Sturm called me on it.

She also pointed out that in place of an umlaut over the "a" I could have made it an "ae."

Donnerwetter!

And Bert Gaide pointed out my misinterpretation of my name. My research told me a "Baumann" was someone who lived near a tree. But I failed to consider one thing.

"Well, you're barking up the wrong tree!" Bert wrote. "'Baumann' would not be split off like Baum-ann (Tree-Ann?), but like Bau-mann, the builder-man!

This makes a lot more sense (coming from a native German speaker.)"

I have decent skills with a number of tools, so perhaps I have found a name-appropriate hobby after all.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/executive editor of the Daily Herald. You can buy Jim's book, "Grammar Moses: A humorous guide to grammar and usage," at

grammarmosesthebook.com. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com

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