Budzban: Know when to say ‘no’
Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.
— Matthew, 5:37
As a nurse, I can multi-task pretty well. But when a friend of mine started throwing all kinds of different tasks at me on a daily basis, I noticed I was becoming like one of those circus performers spinning several plates at one time.
I felt I had stretched my capacity physically, mentally and emotionally to meet their needs. I was so exhausted, I wasn’t good for them or me. I wondered how I let it get to this point.
It started out subtly. Being the Christian servant that I am, when my friend asked for help, I felt guilty telling them “no.”
Years later, I realized I couldn’t say “no” because I was codependent. I felt I had to rescue people in need. I didn’t understand that when someone needed my help, and I wasn’t able to help them, that it was OK to say “no.”
I thought always saying “yes” was the Christian thing to do. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. But that meant I was taking responsibility for their emotional well-being. This behavior actually makes us spiritually weak and exhausts us. I needed to embrace my spiritual independence to make wise choices for myself. Sometimes it’s right to help others and sometimes it isn’t.
Because I was in a helping profession, serving at all costs spilled over into my personal life. And when you add taking care of a family, it was burning me out. In this case, the devil was my tendency to over-help others. I needed to understand what codependency was.
“Codependency” is a mental health term. It happens when we place someone else’s well-being over our own, to the point of resentment and exhaustion. Or when we feel the need to “fix” someone or rescue them.
But to model ourselves after Christ, we need to understand Jesus didn’t always meet everyone’s needs. When he walked through a crowd while others were crying out to him for help, he selected whom he was going to help, at that time. He honestly communicated and drew healthy boundaries for himself, knowing when to say “yes” and “no,” so that he was not used up to the point of exhaustion.
Codependency doesn’t cure overnight. You can start small. Saying “no” to simple requests. Reading a book on the topic or getting some counseling can help you discover the root of your problem.
God wants us to help others. But he also wants us to establish healthy boundaries to beat the burnout of codependency and live a good life.
• Annettee Budzban is a Christian author of the book “Letters To A Friend,” speaker, life and writing coach and nurse. She can be contacted at annetteebudzban@aol.com.