End-of-life doulas offer solace to clients and their families

“It's quite hard work to die well.”

Few people understand that better than Geneva resident Molly Graff, who has been helping clients go gentle into that good night for 40 years, first as a hospice worker and chaplain and for the last nine years as an end-of-life doula.

“Most people are familiar with a birthing doula to facilitate the birthing of new life,” she said.

End-of-life doulas help ensure clients have the best quality lives as they come to a close. The practice rose to public attention recently when actress Nicole Kidman announced she was training to become a doula after experiencing the death of her mother.

A complement to the services provided by hospice workers, doulas offer practical, emotional, spiritual, non-medical support, said Sandi Bianchi, a Chicago end-of-life-doula and a member of the Chicago Death Doula Collective.

“We fill in the gaps with hospice, funeral homes and the other institutions around death care,” said Bianchi, who has been a doula for eight years and is also a certified practitioner of reiki, a non-invasive method of reducing stress and promoting relaxation.

That may include assistance with advance care planning regarding their medical needs, sitting vigil with clients and their loved ones, funeral planning and end-of-life celebrations.

They also help in other ways.

“We address fears,” said Bianchi, adding that half the inquiries she receives are from people asking for help to soothe anxiety, their own and their loved ones'.

Trained, certified doulas also provide support for friends and family members burned out after caring for loved ones during their final days.

Bianchi recalled the case of a Naperville high school senior whose single mom was dying of cancer. He needed support, but by the time Bianchi arrived at his mother's facility, she had already passed. So Bianchi helped him arrange his mother's cremation and memorial service.

Empathetic, resourceful people make the best doulas, according to Bianchi, who describes herself and her colleagues as “natural caregivers” who steer clear of religious dogma.

“We don't impose our belief system onto others,” she said. “We're not here to convince or preach.”

“I don't have an agenda,” said Graff, who describes herself as Christian. “I can counsel atheists.”

Doula services are not covered by insurance.

Bianchi, who offers a free initial phone consultation for prospective clients, typically charges $50 to $60 per hour.

Graff, whose hourly rate is comparable, says her services typically cost between $750 and $1,000 in their entirety.

Like Bianchi, Graff's work with a client begins with a phone call, usually from a primary caregiver.

“That's part of my ministry,” Graff said. “God has me where he wants me.”

A few months ago, she received a call from Stacey, a DeKalb resident who did not want her last name used for this story.

Stacey had never heard of a “death doula” until she came across a YouTube video last year. She thought her 93-year-old mom, who had been in hospice for a year, might benefit from the service. She contacted Graff who spoke with her mom and arranged the entire family to participate in a blessing. Two days later, Stacey's mom died in her sleep.

“What Molly did and what we did during the blessing ceremony set her free,” said Stacey. “Molly gave her permission. She told her everything was going to be OK.”

· For more information end-of-life doula services, contact INELDA, the International End-of-Life Doula association, at inelda.org.