A grand ambition

An imaginary letter from President Trump to Pope Leo XIV:

Holy Father Pope Leo XIV, Greetings and Salutations from President Donald J. Trump.

OK, here’s the deal. I should be pope. I would obviously be the greatest pope the world has ever seen. So, I want you to resign, or whatever popes do when they don’t want to be pope anymore and I will take your place. Now, you may not be too happy about this, but I hear that you are American, so you have to do what I say, ask any Republican in Congress.

But I’m willing to help you here. I’m told that a bunch of cardinals voted you in, so all you have to do is fire them, I’ll put in my own guys and they will vote me pope. Simple. And don’t worry. I’ll find you a job around here. I’ll talk to Johnson over in the House about it. He knows about religious stuff. He wants to replace the Constitution with the Bible. That’s OK with me. I don’t take any notice of either of them.

On a maybe related topic, I was talking to Hegseth the other day about his bombs and missiles. He gets really excited when people talk about those things. Begins to froth at the mouth a bit. Between you and me, I think there’s something a little weird about Hegseth, but he does what he’s told, so that’s OK. Anyway, I asked him if his missiles were accurate enough to hit the Vatican City. He laughed and said he could take the roof off the Sistine Chapel if necessary. Not that this would happen, of course.

Anyway, don’t take too long to decide. I want this matter settled before I tell Charlie over in England that he’s not King anymore.

Dick Page

Naperville