Lincicome: The Bulls will play this season, which might be as much as we can expect
With yet another NBA season — or as we experts like to call it, “The LeBron James Nostalgia Tour” — about to inflict itself upon us, we find there are fortunately exactly as many answers as there are questions.
Q — Will the Bulls win a game this season?
A — Fingers crossed, which is how the Bulls shoot free throws.
Q — Is it true that Bulls coach Billy Donovan was inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame?
A — That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
Q — How difficult was it for Bulls’ draft pick Noa Essengue to go from France to Chicago?
A — Easy Peasy. You just go to Denmark and turn left.
Q — What kind of league is it when there are as many Lukas, Kristaps and Giannis as there are Mikes?
A — The North American Green Card League.
Q — What's the name for the defense that collapses on Denver’s Nikola Jokic when he gets the ball underneath the basket.
A — Kindling.
Q — In every preseason poll, why are the Bulls invariably ranked 29th?
A — Because the Big Ten is ineligible or they would be ranked 35th.
Q — Where can you find a foursome older than the Golden State Warriors (Stephen Curry, Jimmy Butler. Al Horford, Draymond Green)?
A — The Rolling Stones at the buffet table.
Q — At this stage of his career, what are the chances of Kevin Durant’s knees holding up all the way?
A — Better than a toothpick as a car jack.
Q — With so many untried players can there be any question of Matas Buzelis carrying the Bulls?
A — Paper or plastic?
Q — The way they play basketball under Darko Rajakovic, what could be more boring than Toronto?
A — See Charlotte.
Q — Is it true that the Bulls considered 5-foot-8 Yuki Kawamura because he could dribble under a cocker spaniel?
A — Without bending over.
Q — What is the date Reggie Miller will once again announce he will not, though he could, still play for the Pacers?
A — February through April.
Q — If the Bulls are “not competing for the championship,” what are they competing for?
A — Getting traded to a better team.
Q — Can anything keep the Oklahoma Thunder from repeating?
A — A February trade for the Bulls’ Nickola Vucevic.
Q — What is the difference between NBA tattoos and Angelina Jolie’s tattoos?
A — Location, location, location.
Q — What happens if two NBA players show up at the same game with the same tattoos?
A — One of them loses his library card.
Q — Will Detroit again be in the title picture?
A — Full face and profile.
Q — What is the significance of Groundhog Day to the Bulls?
A — If Kevin Huerter has not passed the ball back by then, there will be only two more months of basketball.
Q — Will Patrick Williams will be as fearsome as ever?
A — Unfortunately, yes.
Q — When Bulls VP Arturus Karnisovas says the Bulls are “focusing on growth,” what does that mean exactly?
A — Come to the games for the nachos.
Q — What would the return of Zach LaVine to the Bulls mean?
A — Every bit as much as the last time.
Q — Will Russell Westbrook ever get another chance to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes?
A — He is knitting a hoodie right now.
Q — Has reckless endangerment and illegal use of firearms replaced domestic violence and resisting arrest as the NBA’s favorite charges?
A — DUI is ahead at the buzzer.
Q — Is there any player 7-foot-5 Victor Wembayama can look up to?
A — Catlin Clark standing on the scorer’s table.
Q — Where does Josh Giddey fit into the Bulls lineup now that Lonzo Ball is gone?
A — First Australian off the bench.
Q — By his usual standards, hasn't coach Doc Rivers already been in Milwaukee for too long?
A — By anyone's standards, staying in Milwaukee long enough to sneeze is too long.
Q — What would you call it if the Bulls lost in the play-in game of the playoffs for the fourth year in a row?
A — A successful season.
Q — Why are popular hair styles in the NBA called cornrows rather than, oh, soybean rows or strawberry patches?
A — Product placement.
Q — Isn't that weird?
A — That's not weird. That's just the NBA.