Carolyn Hax: Colleague’s injury seems like a lie to get out of work

Q: A friend and colleague has been MIA at work and in our friend circle for weeks. She claims she hurt her back, is in pain and having procedures and and and …

And this has her missing meetings and deadlines and happy hour and dropping all the balls. She has not told anyone exactly what happened with her back. She said she was doing some light housework when it just hurt all of a sudden, which sounds ridiculous to me and everyone else I know.

We don’t know what “procedures” she has had. We don’t know when she will get back to normal. We’re not talking about an old person here, she is 43! I called her the other day and I could hear the TV on, during the workday, which she turned off or muted when she took my call.

I feel like she is lying or exaggerating to get out of work — while not taking formal leave or PTO, since we can work remotely — and she is blowing off her friends and colleagues while we pick up the slack for her at the office and make her excuses at social functions.

How do I figure out what’s really going on with her, and get her to do her own work again so I don’t have to fill in for someone who is home watching TV while I’m busting my you-know-what?

— Busting My You-Know-What

A: Oh good, you checked with Dr. Everyonelse I. Know.

Either she is not much of a friend, or you aren’t. This is my guess. Because, as a reason to be out of commission like this “for weeks,” her backstory does have some holes in it.

But the holes are not the ones you’re calling out. These injuries can mess someone up for weeks, and age has nothing to do with it — tell me it isn’t really news to you that even teens can be laid up with back problems. And anyone who’s triggered a bout of lower-back agony by picking up a stray sock will tell you there’s nothing “ridiculous” about your friend’s explanation.

Your gotchas sound disingenuous, frankly — not unlike the harrumphing of someone who’s done this exact thing and is now projecting. If you haven’t, then consider this incentive to tone it down.

Anyway, the holes I’m talking about are just that she’s withholding so much from her people for so long.

That could be a problem on her side or on yours. She could be dishonest, yes, and taking wild advantage, or distrust you for good reason. I have no way of knowing which. It certainly isn’t a good look for you to be ridicule-testing her story with anyone who will listen, apparently, and assuming the worst of her before entertaining other possibilities.

Some of those possibilities: She really did hurt her back. Or she’s depressed, or otherwise legitimately ill with something she’d rather not share. Or has some other valid non-health-related challenge keeping her home that she prefers to keep private.

If this were my friend and colleague, then I’d be thinking about context right now, flowchart style:

• Do I know her to be genuine, or is this merely the latest from a known taker?

• If it’s the former, then I need to stop questioning her integrity. Action: Offer my help sincerely.

• If it’s the latter, then I need to stop pretending we’re friends. Action: Let her supervisor handle it.

• If we’re not close enough for me to be sure, then would I want the benefit of the doubt in her place? Action: Stop calling her “ridiculous” and patiently mind your business and temporary workload as it plays out.

Regardless, practice defaulting to kinder thoughts.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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