Carolyn Hax: Single, overworked mom can’t meet boyfriend’s expectations

Q: I am a single mom and full-time mental health professional trying to juggle life and a romantic relationship. I am also in my late 40s and navigating an ADHD diagnosis and perimenopause.

I love my partner with all my heart. We connect in so many ways. However, for most of our time together, he has taken issue with how I conduct my day-to-day life. I struggle to meet the goals I set for myself, such as life-balance, getting my work notes done, getting to the gym, keeping up with household chores. He sees it as lack of follow-through, which I can understand.

However, I also try to explain to him how different our everyday lives are. He is semiretired with no children. I have a 10-year-old who is not always easy to parent and a demanding and emotionally draining job. I get behind on my notes and chores. I don’t get to the gym as often as I want.

He feels like the gym and being caught up with work and life will help with stress, and I agree. But, when I feel unable to meet the demands of everyday life or the expectations I put on myself — and the expectations he has for me — I feel like a failure. I know he views me as one, too. He tells me I’m breaking promises by not meeting my goals, or his goals for me, and it breaks my heart.

I feel like I’m giving all I have, feel so tired and drained at the end of most days, trying my best to give my all for everyone and feeling like I’m failing — and he only sees what I’m not accomplishing. When I try to reiterate all I’ve accomplished and overcome, it seems like none of that matters.

I see a future with this man, but I’m beginning to recognize that I may never be “enough” for him — that the gym or work notes may ultimately be more important to him than the human being I have shown myself to be.

I don’t see any evidence that he wants to be more flexible in his thinking. His mind is made up. Am I fighting a losing battle? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lose myself, either. I wish I could be the person he wants.

— Uphill Battle

A: I don’t. I wish you could love and accept you.

And I wish he could shove his goals for you up a dark place.

Attic, what.

Since when does Mr. Half-Empty Plate get to judge whether Ms. Overflowing Plate serves up her daily-stress triage flambe to his liking?

And does he want a prize for his insight that keeping up with your workouts will make you feel better?

You say you’re “trying my best to give my all for everyone.” And besides wondering how one does that without keeling over in a burned-out neurotic heap, I have to ask — do you truly believe everyone deserves your absolute all? Every soul, every task, every time?

I have someone in mind who doesn’t, but I’ll shelve that for a sec.

As a mental health pro and spiky-tween parent, you do high-stakes caregiving. I’m not encouraging you to cut corners. But you’re also informed on human performance, so you know there’s no such thing as running 24/7 at peak.

What we all have instead are unique blends of strengths and weaknesses, thoughtful priorities, plus our management system: self-awareness.

Which brings me to your man friend, whom you never please, yet he stays. And to you, erasing yourself to please him.

Please be self-aware here — of your low self-esteem issue, his exploitation of it, and the snug fit of your weaknesses, his-and-hers.

Stop feeding this misery. Instead, give your obvious, abundant strengths their due by breaking up with the man who, OMG, refuses to.

With boyfriends like this, who needs road rage? (Runners up: mosquitoes, heat rash, tax audits, ICE, cold sores.)

And please seek your own therapeutic support. So much to juggle at once.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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