Future in-laws keep meddling in son’s life

Q: My fiancé and I recently got engaged. We graduated from college together last year and decided to live apart for a year to establish ourselves and settle into the work world.

He is now applying for jobs in my area so we can move in together. Our university was about 20 minutes from his childhood home, and moving to join me would be the farthest from home he’s ever lived — although only a 90-minute flight away. He is the first of his family, including extended family, to move out of state.

My future mother- and father-in-law are loving parents but have been doubting and belittling my fiancé’s decisions since graduation, with the aim of getting him to move back.

He is now starting to doubt every decision he makes and losing confidence in his ability to navigate this already challenging time. Would it be out of line if I gently encouraged his parents to back off? Or would any interference in this family dynamic be counterproductive?

— Engaged

A: Oh, you’ve interfered plenty already. Don’t you see?

This is another one of those situations where I’m mostly kidding, but 100 percent not.

This family has its own way of doing things, which apparently requires putting down roots within Sunday dinner range of Mom and Dad’s advice.

But then you enter his life, and his visits will soon involve AIRFARE!?

As an independent adult, you probably don’t see things this way at all. You’re one of two independent adults who are now a couple, so you’re making decisions together, as far as you know, and he just has “loving parents” … who, ah, happen to be “belittling my fiancé’s decisions since graduation.”

It’s wake-up time to the reach and tenacity of the dynamic you stumbled into.

Any independence your fiancé has demonstrated is a break from his family’s expectations — and what you’re witnessing now is how much the breaks have cost him.

NOBODY moves away, ever.

If you did intervene on his behalf with his parents — I think “gently” is grayed out on the menu with these two — then you would not only risk an in-law cold war, but you’d also undermine your fiancé’s independence push at its decisive moment. Ouch.

Because what would your involvement do except position you as Authority Figure 2.0? I’m seeing parents accustomed to a decisive level of influence over their son and plainly showing their displeasure with his rogue impulses. He doesn’t need his partner exerting counterinfluence over him to get him away from his family; he needs to summon his own strength to do that.

Or he needs to admit, for the good of all involved, he either doesn’t want to pull away or isn’t ready to yet. Choosing this, not defaulting to it.

Because if his extraction depends on your upper-body strength alone, then eventually your muscles will twitch with exhaustion, plus his parents can keep doubting and belittling him on multiple telecommunications platforms. Not to mention, he will struggle to be fully present in his life with you if he feels guilty or conflicted just for being there. And think how tempted he will be to blame you when times get tough, instead of working through things as a co-owner and -author of your shared life.

Ooh, and the contempt you’ll nurse.

Talk to HIM. He’s your partner, he’s the one doubting.

Namely, remind him to breathe.

And to look inward for his compass. Not to his parents, or even to you (though you’re here to listen) — because “don’t disappoint people” is a nice thought but isn’t much of a plan.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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