Carolyn Hax: Teens hope to continue relationship at separate colleges
Q: I’m a high school senior, 17, and my boyfriend (18) and I just had the College Talk. We’ve been together 10 months now (comment about how we really like each other and see this working out in a way that doesn’t sound cheesy). We’ve always been extremely good at communicating and decided to try to stay together. We’re not totally sure which colleges we’ll end up at yet, but we will be at least a medium-length plane ride apart, so not weekend-trip distance.
We’re both concerned about relying on each other too heavily in the beginning month or so of college. We know that time is super crucial to making friends, integrating into the community, normal college things like that. But if we’re texting or calling all the time and leaning on each other, we worry we won’t connect with the school.
We have tossed around solutions, like maybe only emailing or writing letters — something we already do — for the first month. Or maybe only calling on Sundays. But these solutions feel like maybe we’ll lose some connection, too. Any thoughts? Can long-distance college relationships ever work?
— S.
A: Whether it can EVER work isn’t the question you want to ask here; you’re not levitating a Buick with your mind.
The question is whether, even if you pull it off (Thanksgiving break is the classic over/under), you will see it as having been worth the social cost. And you won’t know that till your 30s.
I will suggest, though, that you refer to your own question to understand the math. More relationship means less college immersion. More college immersion means less relationship. You spell it out yourself as well as anyone.
If “normal college things” and connecting with your new school community are your priority, then be ready to back that up with your allocation of time. Even fearing the possible cost. Starting with, yes, a commitment not to talk or text every day at first — knowing you and your boyfriend will “lose some connection” for it.
A little perspective, if it helps: Sleepaway camps often have outside-contact bans the first week (emergencies excepted) to help kids adjust. And kids don’t break up with their parents!
I’m being facetious, but also speaking to a larger point — that deeper, valuable, worth-maintaining bonds aren’t so simplistic that a week, a month or even months of less contact will be determinative.
If you and your boyfriend choose to stay “together” but give each other space, for example, or officially break up with unofficial hopes of reconnecting someday, then, counterintuitively, you may have a better chance as a couple than if you attempt a closer connection that comes to feel restrictive or forced.
Or not. Maybe the closer connection will be what works for you; you won’t know till you get there. And few plans emerge intact from a college campus. So be honest with yourselves foremost — and be responsive and flexible as you both evolve. That is your No. 1 job, now at the protean age of 17 and in your opportunity-dense years on campus: to evolve.
Since some of our richest evolutions tend to come after mistakes, it’s tempting to advise you to wing it with all you’ve got. But you can be reckless with your own feelings, not someone else’s. Respect is vital, too.
So how’s this: Prepare months in advance only if you enjoy this making of plans. Otherwise, until something separates you, just breathe and enjoy. To the extent you’re able, that is. “Live in the moment” may be the least actionable good advice ever given.
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.
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