Carolyn Hax: Would marriage pact give false romantic hope to platonic friend?

Q: I have a friend from high school. He has always been in love with me. I have never had feelings other than friendship for him. Over the past 34 years, we have drifted in and out of each other’s lives. I was married and have kids. He always wanted that but never found anyone.

We are now back in touch, and he is great — smart, funny and very kind. But I haven’t dated since my divorce five years ago and really have no interest in doing so.

I have love for him as a platonic friend. We are almost 50. Would it be wrong to make a pact with him? Basically, in 10 years, if we are both still single, then we could get married. It would be smart financially and allow us to travel. I think of him like a best friend, so we would be companions and basically live as a married couple. We would also care for each other as we age.

It would have to be nonsexual.

I feel like making the pact, no matter how honest I am, would give him hope of romance and maybe prevent him from finding his person. I feel like he would be compromising, where for me it would be great.

— Anonymous

A: OK, so you named the main thing wrong with this pact. I agree — huge risk that it would lead on, derail or consume a besotted friend.

So why even consider it? What would it even accomplish?

I’m not talking about what your idea of a celibate marriage would accomplish; you’re clear about that, plus I believe in custom marriages to suit each couple. What two people consent to is their business.

I’m asking what the 10-year hold is for. Layaway?

If you want this celibate marriage NOW, then you tell him that and see if he will marry you NOW on those explicit terms.

If you don’t want it now, then this conversation is over before it starts. (The thought exercise is yours to keep on a loop.)

If at any time — in a year, 10 years, 27 years and three days — you decide there is no life you want to be living more than one married to this man, then pitch your idea to him.

Otherwise, you are making plans to want someone in an arbitrary amount of time whom you are certain you don’t want now. I speak only for myself, but I can’t see feeling good in either role in this deal.

Q: My best friend farted on a bus packed with people. She was sitting on a hard plastic seat, which amplified the sound horribly. She said, “Oh, God. Excuse me.” A guy said to her, “It happens.” She replied, “Why did it have to happen NOW?!”

They laughed about it and started chatting. He asked her to dinner (nothing with beans!). They have been seeing each other for three months.

If they get married and I am asked to give a toast, should I mention the event that brought them together?

— K.

A: In my perfect world, yes. In this one:

1. Only with both of their blessings — to avoid embarrassing them, obviously. But even if you’re sure they delight in public retellings of their origin story: They may have relatives who won’t, and be kind enough to spare you the experience of delivering your “hilarious” toast to a roomful of people aghast at your … cheek.

Someday I’ll write down all the real-life backstories feeding my advice. Or not.

2. Thank you. That’s all.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

© 2025 The Washington Post