Carolyn Hax: Mom’s heirloom ring causes tension in daughter’s relationship

Q: When I was 28, I was the only granddaughter without an engagement or diamond ring, so my grandmother gave me her diamond engagement ring. Decades later, I am happily married and have an only daughter, 36, also without such a ring.

This is the dilemma: Her boyfriend of five years (45) had a disastrous first marriage and will not consider another marriage, nor another child. (He has a great teenage daughter.) My daughter has always said she would not marry, but she would like a commitment — in the shape of a ring.

One day, about a year ago, she grabbed my hand, examined my grandmother’s ring and stated that it was the ring she would like to be given as a commitment ring. I had been thinking of resizing the ring and giving it to her for Christmas. But she doesn’t want it from me, she wants it from him.

I spoke to him privately, assuming they had discussed this issue, that he was fine with the idea, and told him he could have the ring to give to her if he wanted. If he didn’t, I was going to give it to her. He asked me not to.

Since then, multiple of their milestone dates have passed and he has not asked for the ring. I even “accidentally” broke the shaft so it can be resized without her getting suspicious that I no longer wear it.

I’m stuck. I want to SEE her with that ring before I’m gone, so do I go ahead and give it to her myself and risk her disappointment that he didn’t step up? What do I do?

— Stuck

A: Actually, this is not a dilemma. (Thus, the dilemma.)

Much as I appreciate the handing down of family traditions, I think it’s time to put a hard stop to this one.

I don’t mean the ring.

I mean the ring reverence. What was wrong with being 28 and not having an engagement ring?

It’s lovely that you have your grandmother’s ring — I write that sincerely.

But the message it came with, frankly, sucked — the “only” non-engaged granddaughter warrants compassionate intervention?

I know I took a leap there, interpreting it that way, and HOPE I landed on my face with it. Because you were worthy of being seen and celebrated as is at 28, or whatever age — and if you were due for some bonus heirloom hardware for reasons completely unrelated to your partnered status, then, wonderful. Lucky you.

Cut to a generation later, though, and your ringless daughter fixes on A Ring as the commitment statement she needs. Hm.

Then she fixes on Your Ring. From him.

Then you spring to action to wrangle your ring onto her finger.

So you see where I get my crazy ideas.

Here’s the problem: Your daughter has made their commitment all about something with zero relevance to their commitment. None. If their devotion to each other is mutual and sincere, then they can doodle rings on each other with Sharpies for all it matters.

If it is not mutual and sincere, then no covert resizing of the perfect ring from the perfect source will save it.

I wish you’d had that epiphany back when she seized your hand.

She is in a hurtful situation. Five years in and he’s balking. So it’s understandable that she has shifted her gaze to something she feels she can control. Understandable, but not healthy or helpful.

So give her the ring: “This was always yours. HE will prove if you’re committed — not this or any ring.” Expect her anger, which I’m guessing won’t be about you.

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