Rom-com slasher ‘Heart Eyes’ steals the hearts of Cupid haters
“Heart Eyes” — 3 stars
In the winking rom-com slasher “Heart Eyes,” a serial murderer in a mask that resembles a demented emoji thrives on offing lovebirds in brutal, punny fashion. Take one look at the obnoxious duo whose staged proposal sets the scene for the film’s opening massacre and you can’t blame the killer for pouncing from the bushes, crossbow in hand, with aim more lethal than Cupid’s: Valentine’s Day may be for lovers, but hell is other people’s PDA.
Yet, in the annals of holiday-themed horror, only a few titles — including the 1981 Canadian cult pic “My Bloody Valentine,” its mostly forgotten 3D remake and 2001’s bland “Valentine” — have taken stabs at love’s big day. And none have had as much fun turning meet-cutes into meat-grinding carnage as director Josh Ruben (“Werewolves Within”) does here with sly, satirical glee.
It’s V-Day, and Seattle is in a panic over the infamous “Heart Eyes Killer,” a maniac who surfaces each Feb. 14 to slice and dice happy couples. Jaded ad exec Ally (Olivia Holt), still reeling from a bad breakup, is more worried about the campaign she just bungled than the psycho on the loose — until a platonic dinner with handsome, perfect-on-paper marketing fixer Jay (Mason Gooding) leads to an impulsive fake kiss in front of her ex, and the undeniable attraction between the workplace rivals lands them at the top of the killer’s to-die list.
It’s a case of mistaken identity, as Ally and Jay hilariously protest to their machete-swinging stalker that they’re not a real couple. Everyone else around them is just as confused by the riddle of modern love and dating, Tinder swiping and true love, including Ally’s brash sugar baby BFF (scene-stealer Gigi Zumbado), her Miranda Priestly-esque bosszilla (Michaela Watkins, camping it up to the rafters) and the two self-absorbed detectives (Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster, who understood the assignment, and whose character names are the wackiest joke in the whole film) investigating the latest serial killings.
Directing this lively date night slash-’em-up from a playfully self-reflexive script by Phillip Murphy, Christopher Landon (“Happy Death Day”) and Michael Kennedy (“Freaky”), Ruben wields the conventions of rom-coms and retro slashers like weapons, spilling blood and guts galore while also setting the mood for love. As the tropes pile up faster than tears in a Nicholas Sparks’ novel, so do the bodies, dispatched in increasingly inventive and grisly ways.
The filmmaker finds impish humor in turning textbook romantic settings into crime scenes, from a botanical garden and carousel bathed in moonlight to a candle-filled church and a drive-in playing “His Girl Friday,” where a heart-to-heart in a van occupied by two horny hippies is the prelude to the film’s cleverest, and naughtiest, kill. “Heart Eyes” throws in a few red herrings, taking advantage of how fluidly rom-com and horror clichés can be exchanged to subvert expectations, a sinister ambiguity that Gooding (“Scream,” “Scream VI”) plays devilishly well.
He and Holt, with their sweet, sizzling chemistry, could easily star in any run-of-the-mill studio rom-com. Instead they have fun here riding out the script’s wild tonal swings, grounding the plot in earnest emotion — and relatable emotional baggage — as scenes veer from sappy to suspenseful, edited with zippy precision by Brett W. Bachman. Less subtle is Jay Wadley’s overly emphatic score of blaring horns, screeching strings and soft plinking pianos that telegraph each vibe shift, but the vibrant stylization of cinematographer Stephen Murphy’s lensing manages to visually tie the two heightened modes of “Heart Eyes” together.
It’s too bad the titular killer, a hulking Jason Voorhees type whose mask glows red with night vision hearts for eyes, isn’t much more than a poster-ready gimmick designed for easy franchise building, a thin pastiche of other slasher villains that lacks a substantial mythology of its own. In the inevitability of a “Heart Eyes 2,” here’s hoping someone comes up with a better reason for the season.
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In theaters. Rated R for bloody violence, gore, language, sex and intimacy issues. 97 minutes.