Carolyn Hax: Wife left him for a co-worker. What does he say when he meets him?

Q: A week before our 25th anniversary, my lovely wife let me know she was cheating on me with a married co-worker. They both left their families to be together, and now they are married.

We don’t have any contact, and my kids are grown, so there’s no drop-off/pickup coordination, but at some point — a wedding, funeral, etc. — I’ll have to meet this guy, and I’m not sure what to say. “Nice to meet you” is a lie. “So you’re the stand-up guy who broke up two families and left four kids shattered” is accurate but probably not super cool.

So what do I say to convey “I have no respect for you and hope you die!?!?” Well, maybe not that harsh, but what’s just polite enough without being too kind?

— Meeting the Ex’s New Husband

A: First order of business: Your ex-wife is the stand-up … gal, I guess (awful word), who broke up two families and left four kids shattered. So no special doghouse for the guy just because not sharing kids with him makes it easier to hate him extra. OK?

Actually, that’s the second order of business. The first is I’m sorry this happened to you, and, as a bonus, you get to imagine putting on a face for an encounter like this.

Third: “How do you do?” are your first-meeting words. Bland as cardboard.

Now stash it all somewhere till you need it. Dread makes this moment last years; living well compresses it to a blip.

So, onward. What else is new?

Q: I used to love the holidays, but my life has taken a turn. After long years where things were not great and eventually terrible, my life is on solid footing and I’m happy and content. This hard-earned peace came after ending a 30-year marriage, getting a new job in another state, and making a new circle of wonderful, genuine friends.

I have come to embrace spending holidays in peace as its own treasure. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around someone else’s mood or feel resentful that my kids aren’t helping me cook. I can just spend the day doing things I enjoy — hiking, cooking, playing with my dog.

But I find when I’m asked about it, people keep pressing on whether I’m going to see my kids, etc. I don’t know how to answer without sounding defensive, but I also don’t feel I need to make up plans just to shut folks up. Casual deflections don’t seem to get the job done. I’ve asked around my friend circle of “women of a certain age” in a similar boat, and no one seems to know what to say to stop the questions.

— Don’t Want to Be the Orphan at Your Holiday Family Gathering

A: I didn’t get this in time for Christmas, but it’s not just about “the holidays”; it’s common, unfortunately, for people to mistake independence for loneliness in general.

But here’s the thing — I think pity is so common that it’s also common to assume pity when it’s not there.

Meaning, maybe sometimes you can’t “shut folks up” because they’re curious. Envious, even, of your peace?

Maybe I’m putting too kind a spin on it. But can you mentally look back and say for certain all the people you spoke to, to a one, were 100% thrilled with their same-old? And not intrigued by your serene and centered cooking-hiking-dog?

Tuck this possibility away for the next holiday grilling: “I’m well. But are you asking whether I’m OK, or how to break free yourself?”

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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