Notre Dame vs. Ohio State is so big, it’s worth singing about

If college football could have scripted a Big Game finish to its season, and it has been trying mightily to do so forever, it would have the Big Game it has, Notre Dame against Ohio State, the Goliath and Goliath of gridiron glory.

At the risk of overstating things, let me just say that prominence and pedigree and history and bloodlines and tribute and perpetual football folderol have converged finally into the biggest college football game EVER!

The 12-team playoff seemed a silly idea (two words — Boise and State) and yet, here we are with a game to stir the blood, to wake up the echoes, to shake down the thunder … sorry to get carried away, but this is the moment college football has been waiting for since the Four Horsemen were theological.

As you can tell, I am making many cheap references to Notre Dame, but that is because it is so easy to do. I may yet get to Touchdown Jesus, the Gipper and Rudy.

My purpose here is to predict who will win over all — there I go again sucked in by the fourth greatest college fight song ever. And if you do not know the words to Notre Dame’s Victory March, you surely have heard one of the famous parodies.

“ … we never stagger, we never fall/we sober up on wood alcohol.” You know. That one.

The determination that the one fight song everyone recognizes was only No. 4 behind Boomer Sooners, Rocky Top and that Michigan tune came from the once incontestable Sports Illustrated. But they also picked Bob Dylan over Bruce Springsteen, so there you go.

USA Today chose the Aggie War Hymn from Texas A&M as the best college fight song; so much for polls, including this one.

While neither Buckeye Battle Cry nor Across the Field cracked the top 10 on either list, I will point out that Ohio State has two fight songs, so take that and stuff it in your golden helmets.

And I will also point out that not only is Across the Field pugnacious (“hit ‘em hard and see how they fall”) but also pretentious, managing to place the word “reverberate” right there in the middle.

I am relying on the intangibles to determine a winner of the game since I wouldn’t know either coach or quarterback if their names were called out at Starbucks. So let’s give Notre Dame four points for tunes but take away two points for presentation. Dotting the “I” in Script Ohio is bucket list stuff. Edge Notre Dame.

Mascots. There’s the Leprechaun and there’s Brutus Buckeye, both imagined figures, although a buckeye does exist for reasons science has yet to explain. Edge OSU.

National titles. Notre Dame 13. Ohio State 8. But the Irish have not had one this century and the Buckeyes have two. So let’s call that a push.

All-Americans. Notre Dame 92. Ohio State 93. Heisman winners. Notre Dame 7, Ohio State 6, but Archie Griffin won two in a row, another push.

Overall record. Notre Dame 906-324-33. Ohio State 977-335-53. But each school has had wins vacated because of stuff that is perfectly OK today, like tattoos for autographs, my favorite Buckeye fiddle. Edge OSU.

Those Four Horsemen I mentioned earlier shared fame for Notre Dame while Howard (Hopalong) Cassady did it alone for Ohio State, and while the good book is a fine source for a metaphor, I lean toward Saturday morning TV with Hoppy, Topper and, of course, Smiley Burnett. Edge OSU.

Movies. No dispute here. Notre Dame has had two full and sentimental films, one with Ronald Reagan telling Knute Rockne to win one for the Gipper and, of course, Rudy Ruettiger, an inspirational tale of pluck and luck.

The only Ohio State movie I recall is “goodbye Columbus,” which had nothing to do with Ohio State football and only creepily with basketball. But Ali McGraw was worth a Rudy and a Gipper. Still, edge to Notre Dame.

Legends. Knute Rockne vs. Woody Hayes. They never met and their fame has faded. Still, Woody went out swinging, sucker punching a linebacker. He took that “hit ‘em hard,” quite literally. Edge OSU.

Winning Super Bowl quarterbacks. Notre Dame has had two—Joe Montana and Joe Theisman — while Ohio State has had none. I might point that Southern Cal has had none either, another Caleb Williams tip. Edge Notre Dame.

So let’s add this up. Song, films, fame. Notre Dame. Coaches, mascot, scandals, Ohio State. Close call, but Buckeyes by 4.