12 do’s and don’ts for becoming a better gift-giver, according to science

Have you given a gift that you thought was perfect only to learn that the recipient did not think the same?

You are not alone. Gift-givers and receivers often have mismatched expectations of what makes a good gift, according to psychology and marketing research.

Consumers will spend up to $989 billion this holiday season, but almost 20% of that will be returned — a higher rate of return than the rest of the year — the National Retail Federation estimates.

Though finding the perfect gift depends on many factors — the context of the exchange, and the type and closeness of the relationship — gift-giving research can provide insights on where people go astray and how to be a better gift-giver.

Here are 12 evidence-based suggestions to make it more possible that your present will be appreciated.

1. Do think beyond the moment of giving

Gift-givers tend to focus on the moment of giving — the unwrapping, the look of surprise — which leads many to give novelty items, research finds.

But receivers often just want useful and reliable gifts instead of a big show.

Focus more on thinking about “whenever the person will be using the gift as opposed to the exchange,” said Julian Givi, an associate professor of marketing at West Virginia University.

A coffee machine will probably be more appreciated in the long run than a fondue maker.

2. Do give them what they want

Gift-givers tend to want to surprise and think of ideas themselves, but research shows that recipients are more appreciative of gifts that they request, such as off a wish list or registry, because they find those presents more thoughtful.

While recipients like being surprised, the gift itself matters, too.

If “they receive what they have asked for, they’re still going to be quite happy because they’re getting something that they want,” said Evan Polman, an associate professor of marketing at the Wisconsin School of Business at the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

Put another way, if a child asks Santa for a particular scooter, but you buy another kind of scooter, “which option do you think is better?” Givi said.

3. Do give things you yourself use

People tend to refrain from giving gifts that they themselves own out of fear that this would devalue the uniqueness of the items and of themselves, Givi and his colleague found in a 2020 study.

But giving something you use not only adds an endorsement of quality, but also can make an ordinary gift feel more special and the recipient feel closer to you, according to one 2017 study by Polman and his colleague.

So long as the gift does not stray too far from the recipient’s interests — giving a sports jersey to a non-sports-inclined person probably won’t go over well — merely saying, “I bought the same thing for myself” can lead to the shared gift becoming a shared bond.

“It’s kind of a friendship bracelet now,” Polman said.

4. Do give sentimental gifts

Get sappy. Gifts such as scrapbooks and photo albums that remind your loved ones of fond memories and your relationships can bring them happiness for years to come.

People tend to like receiving sentimental gifts, but gift-givers, when deciding between giving a more superficial gift or a sentimental one, shy away from sentimentality because of a fear of getting it wrong, according to one 2017 study Givi conducted.

Givi gives sentimental gifts quite often, he said: “They’re always the ones that get the biggest smile on people’s face.”

5. Do give more experiences

Experiences tend to make us happier than material goods we buy for ourselves — what consumer researchers have dubbed the experiential advantage. The same pattern holds true for the gifts we give.

However, we don’t give experience-based gifts as often as others want, one 2021 study found.

Experiential gifts such as tickets to a concert, cooking classes or a weekend cabin retreat can also strengthen our relationship bonds more. One 2016 study reported that people receiving an experiential gift tend to report feeling closer to the giver than when they get a material one.

6. Do give at unexpected times

While we tend to give gifts for special occasions — holidays, birthdays, graduations — presents given outside these kinds of celebrations are even more appreciated by recipients, Givi and a colleague reported in a 2021 study.

The research found that a “$5 Amazon gift card on a random Tuesday” was the happiness equivalent of a $50 Amazon gift card on a birthday, Givi said.

7. Do give yourself enough time

Waiting until the last minute to brainstorm and get gifts makes the whole endeavor more stressful and more difficult to get right.

“I’m a huge believer in the idea that to be good at gift-giving, you have to give yourself enough time,” Givi said.

Polman also tries to make notes of what would-be receivers have said they liked well in advance, though this type of organizational practice may not work for everyone.

8. Don’t believe that more expensive is necessarily better

Gift givers tend to think that the more costly a gift, the more thoughtful it is and the more appreciative recipients will be. But research shows recipients care more about the overall quality of the gift.

A 2023 study Polman and colleagues conducted shows that we tend to spend the gift budget we set for someone else, while trying to be under budget when buying for ourselves.

If you find the perfect gift and “if it’s on sale, givers shouldn’t feel bad,” Polman said. “They shouldn’t feel like they need to spend more just because they have budgeted more.”

9. Don’t be afraid to break some gift-giving norms

Studies have found that recipients enjoy receiving repeat gifts if they liked it before, used gifts or even partial gifts, such as paying for part of a larger gift on a wedding registry.

For the recipient, the norms matter less than whether they want the gift, research shows.

10. Don’t overpackage the gift

To signal their thoughtfulness or to appease a picky person, gift-givers tend to think packaging the present makes it more likely that it will be well received, research finds.

But it is possible to go overboard: A 2024 study found that overpackaging a present makes the recipient think the giver is less thoughtful, not more.

11. Don’t be less thoughtful after giving the gift

“When we think about gifts, we typically think about the exchange as the endpoint,” Polman said. But it also can change gift givers’ behaviors for the worse.

In a 2021 study, Polman and his colleague found that people tended to behave more selfishly and less thoughtfully after they gave gifts.

But giving a present does not give a pass to be less giving afterward.

12. Don’t get too stressed out

The gift itself may not matter as much as showing that the receiver matters.

“If you’re signaling to them that you care about them, at the end of the day, more often than not, things will turn out fine,” Givi said.