Carolyn Hax: Work on yourself before rekindling relationship

Q: My partner of four years and I split last week. She left me because she felt she could not give any more to make us work. I have been going through an intense depressive state, hating my job, not having friends, and made her the center of my universe while not taking care of myself.

Early in our relationship, I was half-in, half-out about committing, as she was fully committed to me. After some serious conversations, I wanted to show her I was ready to commit fully, and so removed myself from everything. That was two years ago.

While everything was great for the first half, I slowly started to lose my identity, with every emotion and reaction hinging on her. I stopped caring about myself and put the responsibility of my well-being in her hands. I actively hated my job but did nothing to fix it. She tried helping. I complained about not having friends or a social life but did nothing to fix it. She tried helping. I fell into a depressive state but did not seek therapy. She tried helping. Our relationship was never abusive, except for the toxic relationship with myself. I became a leech.

And I understand her decision.

Over these last six days, it’s as if a veil has been lifted on my actions, inactions and complete lack of care for myself. I have a therapist now, I am actively looking for a new job, and I am reaching out to old friends to reconnect. I also know change does not happen overnight. I have to work and build habits.

But I miss my partner deeply. I truly believe she is the one for me. I envisioned proposing but was hesitant because I felt I needed to resolve my issues first.

We live together, so it complicates the situation. I am staying with family for now. Even though my heart wants a second chance, my mind tells me to move on. How do I approach this?

— Anonymous

A: At this point, ideally? Not at all.

I realize you’re probably couch-surfing, or close to it, which means you’ll be forced to “approach this” — meaning, talk to your now-ex about housing — very soon. So I understand what I am suggesting to you is not 100% realistic.

But you’re writing this six days out of a breakup and a few days at best into treatment for “intense” multiyear depression and a social-professional overhaul. These are such impressive developments that I don’t want you to risk losing your momentum or nerve. They need all the space and strength you can give them.

More important, they are long-term processes in (re)building yourself that need all the respect you can give them. Rushing to decide how you feel about anything is not respecting the process, much less how you feel about someone so significant and complex.

You give some sensible-sounding reasons your relationship fell apart. Expecting your girlfriend to be everything, complaining without changing, yep. Yet you don’t identify what paralyzed you — or whether the relationship itself played a part. I don’t mean to blame her, per se. Just that maybe you and she were mismatched in ways that wore you down.

Maybe you could sustain the effort with her for a year, but the effort of being someone you weren’t knocked you out.

Viewed that way, you both were exhausting yourselves to keep this running. Maybe it never naturally fit.

You may think your partner “is the one” for you still. All I’m saying is, work on your health. It’s what you think after that counts.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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