Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend ‘obsessed’ with ex — emotionally and financially
Q: I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, but I’m struggling because he seems obsessed with his ex. They were together for 30 years, and although he was the one who ended things, he won’t cut ties with her — emotionally or financially.
They had complicated finances where she was the primary contributor. Recently, they sold most of their properties, splitting the proceeds 50-50 despite her larger investment. However, there’s one property left that she lives in, and although his share is very small, he refuses to let her buy him out or sell the property.
This situation is clearly draining for him, but I feel as if he needs to maintain control and keep the emotional (vs. money) connection. Their constant communication, through her lawyers, puts him on edge and makes him angry. On top of that, I believe he has accessed her online bank accounts and caused her inconveniences, like moving funds around and ordering goods from her accounts.
Is this normal behavior for ex-partners? I’m worried about the impact it’s having on our relationship and whether this is something I should be concerned about. I’m fed up with talking about it.
— Anonymous
A: The perfect impression of a keyboard on my forehead says no, it is not normal behavior, it is very concerning behavior.
Which I have to think you well know? (Have to. Be kind.) That it is a screaming red sign he’s still in the old relationship, which is a screaming bad sign for yours.
It is also possibly illegal, and seriously, creepily controlling at a minimum. Bad for you now and WHEN you break up. (I’m not feeling “if” with this guy.)
Clear enough? Or do I put it this way: You are watching your current boyfriend stalk his ex-girlfriend using her money, even though she already paid him a bunch of it to go away.
If I could think of another way to urge you out of this relationship very, very carefully (800-799-SAFE), then I would.
Q: I’ve been in a loving relationship with my boss for three years. I’m in my 30s; he’s 18 years older and divorced. Things are going great — he’s introduced me to his teenage son, and we’re even looking at houses together.
I haven’t told my parents about my partner yet because I’ve been worried about causing any upset. We’re very close and talk nearly daily. My mom once said, “The best husband is one who’ll be alive when your kids graduate high school,” and I fear they might feel disappointed in my decision, betrayed for not knowing sooner, worried for my future and react strongly.
I want to share this joy with them, and feel the time is NOW, but I’m concerned about how to do so in a way that minimizes the chance of them saying something unintentionally hurtful, while also being as respectful to their feelings as possible. I’d appreciate your advice on how to approach this conversation thoughtfully.
— Good News?
A: Three years! Of nondisclosure during near-daily talks.
The strong-reaction-minimizing “time” to share your joy was NOW minus about 2½ years.
Tell the truth and apologize and eat the hurt and upset. Whole.
It’s not getting any smaller with more time or finesse or real estate.
Not knowing your workplace policies, admittedly, I also wonder if a new job is in order?
The best spouse, by the way, is one who is good and good for you. Given the number of deadbeats who are alive to no-show their kids’ graduations, I suggest you not build any more action plans around your mother’s disposable gem.
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
© 2024, The Washington Post