Carolyn Hax: Rude guy thinks partner ‘poisoned’ friends against him

Q: My partner thinks I have poisoned our friends against him by speaking badly about things he’s said and done. He now feels uncomfortable going out at all, as he feels unwelcome — but honestly, it’s something he does to himself. Rudeness, bad little jokes that don’t land, being thoughtless to me — they see all that without me even adding to it.

I’m not quite sure how to say “It’s not me, it’s you” in a way that might land.

— Anonymous

A: Why would he accuse you of sharing the bad things he’s done without knowing, full well, all the bad things he’s done?

I mean, people don’t just blurt, “You told everyone about the muffins!” out of the blue. They do this when they have been baking.

So he knows he mistreats you and you know he mistreats you, but you’re asking me how you can find the right words to persuade him that you haven’t told your friends about his mistreatment. Because he’s upset at the consequences of his behavior and insists on blaming you for them.

And your sole defense is that the badness of your partner’s behavior is so obvious, your friends all figured it out for themselves?

No. I will not give you advice to do what you’re asking to do. I will not help you smooth things over to make it easier for you to stay in this relationship.

I will give you advice on how to undo, though. The covering for him, the searching for the right ways to say things to make sure they “land.” Ugh, this alone. If I could do a public service announcement on the universal sign of a relationship well worth leaving, then I would highlight this: Are you constantly trying to curate yourself and craft what you say to preempt a bad reaction? Yes? Then get out! Sooner the better. You’re welcome.

Because then you won’t even get to the back half of my list of things to undo: the cringing when you’re out with others, the arguments when you get home because you said X or did Y in front of Z, the tolerating of poor treatment, the relationship with this controlling/accusing partner, the relationships of any kind that repeat this pattern of unkindness, always, mixed in with everything else.

You can undo all of these. And reclaim yourself — and peace.

If it’s just this partner, then just go. If it’s always like this — if this is what normal is for you, for a couple — then it will take some work on you to reshape your sense of what is normal, what is healthy and what is possible.

Start reading first. One Love Foundation (wapo.st/3M7vXUA) are free, freeing and there for you right now. Counseling takes longer and costs more, but it’s tailored to you. And once you’ve found someone who’s a good fit — it can take a try or three — it’s a great, safe place to learn that being at peace with yourself takes care of the saying part almost 100% of the time. A healthy, well-adjusted listener takes care of the rest.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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