Carolyn Hax: Ex offered son a loan — with strings attached

Q: My ex-husband has offered a favorable (and legal) loan to my son to help purchase a house. My son does well and could afford the current mortgage rate. The only condition is that he can never tell his sister; she does well, too, and also can afford current rates. My ex is not making the same offer to her.

My son loves the idea of a favorable loan, but he is conflicted since it means keeping a secret from his beloved sister.

It seems like a no-win situation for him. If she finds out, she will feel betrayed. If he tells her now, there is a risk she will blow up his relationship with his dad.

It seems to me my ex is acting like a coward by requiring a contractual secret, with the burden of that to be carried by my son. Thoughts?

— Poisoned Gift

A: Your son absolutely can win.

He can turn down emotional blood money.

He can prove to his father he is not for sale.

He doesn’t even have to say it that way, or to risk blowing anything up. He can sidestep the whole sick power game his dad is playing with the siblings’ loyalties.

He can do this by assuring his father he is grateful for the offer, but he won’t accept any arrangement from anyone that involves limitations on what he can say about his own personal business.

And then your son will know who his dad is — because if the mortgage offer was really about being helpful, then Dad will lift the secrecy requirement and make the loan. If it was really about messing with his kids’ heads, then he won’t budge. Son loses money, saves self.

If your son takes a stand on the sister issue specifically, then he invites his dad to defend unequal treatment of his kids’ equal needs. It’s not defensible, really, but in a power struggle, right and wrong aren’t the point; the power and the struggle are. That’s why the cleanest approach is for your son to call the bluff on a principle even his dad would be hard-pressed to impeach. And to be ready to walk away.

This has been an interesting thought exercise, thanks. Since neither of us is your son, though, it’ll have to stay a thought exercise unless he asked you for your advice — or says, “Yes, please,” when you ask him whether he wants to know what you think.

Q: My ex and I broke up two years ago and chose to remain friends. Recently, I asked if he was seeing anyone, since I suspected he was and I truly want him to be happy. He immediately said no, he has no time to date, he barely has time for himself.

Two weeks later, I find out through a very public forum that he not only is in a relationship, but also went away with her that weekend.

Deception is the primary reason we broke up in the first place. I certainly don’t need a friend like that.

But we share a friend circle, so it’s very likely I’ll run into him again. I’m confused as to how to proceed. Do I calmly lay out what I know? Ignore him? And what do I tell our mutual friends (he met them all through me)?

— Anonymous

A: Surprise! You’re not friends. Not really. So swap out friendshippy behaviors (like asking whether he’s dating) for bland civility. He might not notice the difference. If he does — or friends do — then say his lie was your aha moment. “No hard feelings,” if true.

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