Carolyn Hax: ‘Rude’ guests rush the kitchen to claim leftovers

Q: Every holiday, we have a large family dinner of 25 to 30 people. Mostly everyone brings a dish.

When we clear the table, a few of the guests try to beat everyone else into the kitchen and pack up a lot of the leftovers to take home. They don’t even leave any for the hosts!

I think this is incredibly rude and would like to say something to them, but the hosts, even though they are annoyed with this, don’t want anything said because they don’t want hard feelings.

What is the best way to handle this? They have been included in the holiday dinners for more than 20 years, so it would be very awkward to disinvite them.

— Anonymous

A: It does sound rude, yes.

We’re talking about leftovers, though — so the rudeness is costing you, what, a couple of warmed-over lunches? And the hosts don’t want you to say anything because wanting people to feel welcome is their higher priority.

So why isn’t that enough for you to put the thing to rest? That’s what I found myself asking as I read your question.

I understand it’s annoying to witness people taking advantage of others’ generosity (or fear of confrontation, or poor wing speed in the Seagull 500). And, hey, if you had a way to curb the behavior, kindly and in proportion to the offense — “Whoa, let’s make sure the hosts get some!” — then I’d say go for it and reap the satisfaction of doing a public service.

But you’ve been asked not to.

And again: leftovers.

If the concept of someone taking petty advantage irritates you more than celebrating amid 25 to 30 loved ones enriches you, then that’s where I suggest you direct your energy. We can, all of us, if we really want to, train our eyes to pick out the greater good.

Any chance the scavenger guests are broke, by the way? Not to excuse food-grabbing — just wondering if there’s back story that would make it easier to forgive.

Q: My wonderful, amazing stepson just married an incredibly sweet and lovely woman. I wanted very much to attend the wedding, but my ex-husband, whose abuse (to me) dangerously escalated in our marriage, told me that if I showed up, he would not, and that everyone would blame me when the father of the groom missed his only son’s big day.

My stepson and his bride-to-be were upset and spoke with him, but he held firm. My stepson’s mother died, so my ex is his only biological parent. I decided not to attend so my stepson would at least have his dad with him.

Now I have relatives and friends telling me I should have stood my ground and not “rewarded bad behavior.” I feel I did what was best for my stepson by ensuring his wedding day was not spoiled by his dad’s drama, but now I am questioning my decision. Did I do the wrong thing?

— Shutout Stepmom

A: You “rewarded” him, so he’s your fault now?

Don’t these relatives and friends of yours have their own lives to be right about in hindsight?

You made a conscientious effort to do what was best for your stepson in a bad situation. The outcome was never going to be right or wrong, but it was always going to be enough.

Now focus on your future with this wonderful, amazing, incredibly sweet and lovely couple. The wedding, in the end, is a day.

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