Carolyn Hax: Husband pushes modest spouse to wear sexier clothes

Q: My husband lately has been pushing strongly for me to dress sexier and more provocatively. In a way, it is flattering that he likes my figure. The problem is, I’m a pretty shy person who prefers to wear modest clothing.

I’ve never been comfortable wearing low-cut dresses, which are his favorites. Loose-fitting, flowy and mostly covered has always been my jam. I have nothing against people who wear flashier stuff — in fact, I envy their confidence — but it’s just not my preference.

When I try to push back — whenever he encourages me to wear the sexy stuff — he always says I’m not taking his opinions into consideration. I don’t quite know what to say to that.

Again, it’s good that he finds me attractive, I’m just not super comfortable being flashy in public. What’s the best way to go about this?

— Modest Might Not Be Hottest

A: You say to that: “You’re not taking MY opinions into consideration. Or my comfort. Or my ‘no.’ And I’m the one wearing the clothes.”

Please respond this way as soon as contextually possible.

You requested “the best way to go about this,” and that’s it: for him to listen to you, to respect your right to dress your way and to take no for an answer. Your husband is ugh-for-three.

There is nothing flattering about pressure to change your behavior to please someone else. Keeping your muumuus is not the outcome he wants, obviously, so I’m sure he’ll disagree his deferring to your taste in clothes is the “best way.” But the one who wears the outfit gets the last word, which I really hope he doesn’t need explained to him.

If he won’t concede this point, then I’m worried about his principles. If he won’t embrace you for who you are, then I worry about you in this marriage.

And if I keep talking about his role, then I’m doing you an advisory disservice, because you don’t control your husband any more than he controls you. So any change to the way you handle this topic in your marriage has to come from you, even if he’s the origin of the problem.

My opening advice was to change the way you respond to his pressure (and whining). My follow-through advice is to respect your own autonomy, without flinching, and recognize it’s not a crime against your marriage to stand up for the way you dress — or, in general, the way you decide to be yourself.

Now, if you wanted to take the neckline plunge, even just to please him, then, marvelous — when that’s YOUR preference. But you don’t ever have to become someone different, not for a spouse, not because the person you married (apparently) changed.

Last thing. Every won’t-stop-pressuring-me problem is a confidence problem. Period.

If you’ve gotten this far into your shared lives and it still doesn’t feel natural or right to draw a hard line on something that is entirely your business, then that goes beyond body confidence into confidence-confidence.

My recommendation for that is therapy, and not just because I’m nearing the end of my word count.

Pressuring is not OK, but asking on occasion is normal and fine. Self-doubt makes the two difficult to tell apart. And requests that nick the core of your self-worth are tough to distinguish from superficial ones. The blurring of these lines is confusing, which is disempowering, which leaves you vulnerable to people who don’t use their confidence advantage over you kindly.

That’s not only a plea to take this seriously, but also a valentine to finding your “no,” and wearing the hell out of it.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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