Whoever watches this is all wet

The world officially has gone mad.

That's even aside from the Russia-Georgia conflict or John Edwards thinking he could get away with it.

What put insanity over the top? Big TV ratings for Olympic swimming, that's what.

Now, I understand there isn't much else to do during a summer in which the economy canceled countless vacations. But there has to be more to do than watching somebody swim.

Yes, more than even watching Michael Phelps swim. Even one of his races is as boring as Hillary Clinton in a wet T-shirt.

Phelps' pursuit of a record 8 gold medals is admirable, but that doesn't mean it's watchable no matter how often NBC promos insist it is.

I mean, setting a world record for straightening a million paper clips would be impressive but not very entertaining.

So, good advice would be to go swimming instead of watching it. After drying off, check the Internet to see how Phelps did.

As an expert in all things sports, I must not only express my disdain for something but explore it, too.

OK, that didn't take long. The reason I can't watch Olympic swimming is the same as why the Tour de France is like watching plants grow.

Olympic virtues faster, higher, stronger alone aren't enough anymore.

They were sufficient until Adam grew tired of, well, watching plants grow and discovered athletics by chasing Eve around the garden while eating an apple.

Skill had to be injected into the sports equation. To be an athlete, he or she must do something while navigating from Point A to Point B.

Even Europeans, who started the Olympics, felt compelled to invent soccer so running had a purpose other than simply putting one foot in front of the other.

Phelps would grab my attention if he tried to win 8 gold medals during these Olympics by outracing sharks, catching carp with his teeth or boxing goldfish.

But the guy is swimming straight ahead with nobody trying to stop him. Imagine how fast he would go if a piranha with a harpoon were chasing him.

Sports as we know them today had to be concocted once the Greeks, Romans and finally us Americans began snoring at runners, swimmers and bikers merely running, swimming and biking.

You know, concoctions in which athletes are asked to multitask.

Faster? Football players run fast to avoid being assaulted by big, nasty, often witless opponents who would be arrested for behaving that way on the street.

Higher? Basketball players shoot a ball while leaping tall defenders in a single bound.

Stronger? Baseball players use muscles to hit 98-mph fastballs thrown by equally powerful men.

Now those are sports worthy of huge TV ratings.

I say freeze the pool, put Phelps on skates and have him try to slap a shot past a goalie while being whacked with a stick by an angry goon with personal issues.

Seriously, any Cubs or White Sox game this week will be more exciting than anything in Olympic swimming.

So excuse me if I maintain my sanity tonight by watching "Greatest American Dog" instead of people swimming.

You're all welcome to join me after you come to your senses.

mimrem@dailyherald.com