Paying for airline amenities a la carte

I don't know why everybody is so upset the airlines are charging $15 to check the first bag.

After all, why should that guy on every flight who wheels a steamer trunk down the aisle and spends 10 minutes holding up everybody else while trying to stuff it into the overhead bin have to pay for a baggage check service he doesn't use?

In fact, everything should be priced separately so only those who use the amenities have to pay for them.

In a few months, we'll all be listening to the flight attendant's opening speech that will go like this:

"Welcome aboard A La Carte Airlines flight 666. Apparently, our flight is one of the three in the entire country taking off on time today, so we'll be going down the aisle to collect $10 from each of you for being on time.

"We recognize it is a bit warm and dark in the cabin this evening, but if you look above your head you'll see the buttons for the fresh air nozzle and reading light. For 75 cents, you can turn on either one or select out Executive Comfort Option and combine the two for merely $1.

"Should we lose cabin pressure at any time during the flight, an oxygen mask will deploy from the overhead compartment. In order to turn the oxygen on, a flight attendant will come down the aisle and collect $3. If you are traveling with small children, we suggest that you have their $3 out before looking for your own money.

"In the event of a water landing, the lower seat cushion can be used as a flotation device for a fee of $5.

"Should you need to use the lavatory, please note the coin slot , and insert five quarters for the first three minutes and one quarter for each additional minute.

"For those of you who didn't have the foresight to pack your own provisions, a flight attendant will be coming down the aisle selling beverages and snacks. Just hold your wallets open and we'll remove your remaining money directly from it.

"Upon landing, if you have checked luggage, you may pick it up at carousel 3, or perhaps 13.

"In the unlikely event that we didn't lose it, you'll be charged an additional handling fee of $5 to retrieve your bag. If we lost it, there is no extra charge."

Ken Glassman

Arlington Heights