Family chores not outdated

I recently received a funny e-mail that detailed how things have changed since I was a kid, focusing on the vast differences between the generation in which I was raised and the one that my children are growing up in. It covered the topic of chores, pointing out that while we did them, many of kids today do not.

Reading that caused me to have flashbacks of washing the dishes (yes, by hand) while my sister dried; vacuuming and dusting my room; and being forced to do my own laundry when I was a preteen (my mom taught me the skill and gave up the job.)

The memory contrasts wildly from the anecdote I heard recently from a friend about a teenage baby sitter who came to her house and when asked if she could run the dishwasher replied that she didn't know how.

Could it be true? Have today's children really skipped out on the whole concept of chores?

If so, the trend has yet to hit my house. My kids do many of the same chores today that I was once asked to do; the only difference is that we have a dishwasher. My 6-year-old can fold socks, vacuum and feather-dust. My 9-year-old sets the table and my 12-year-old scrubs the shower.

But at the same time, I will admit to what I understand now about chores that I didn't know then: they can be as difficult on the parent as the child. I've learned that they have to be taught, managed, followed-up-on and at some point rewarded if the process is to continue smoothly. And while I do all of the above, sometimes begrudgingly, I also understand that it may make a mom or dad wonder if getting their kids to do the work is worth all the work.

Worth it?

It is, say the experts. "Chores most definitely help build responsibility in children," says Jessica Brown-McBroom, a child and family therapist at Tri-City Family Services in Geneva. "They are also a great opportunity to provide them with structure, which they really need."

And if chores are a consistent priority in the household, they do get easier, say local parents who have made chores a routine for their children.

"I don't think they have ever not had chores," says Kathy Kulisek, a mom of six living in North Aurora. "When they were really young they might not have had assigned chores, but they have always been expected to help because they are part of the family. For me, it is about how a family needs to function and run, by working together."

All of the Kulisek children over age 4 have zones that they are responsible for, and those areas change every two weeks. "One zone is the kitchen zone which includes setting and clearing the table, sorting the dishes, putting food away, anything that is kitchen-related," says Kulisek. "Another might be the playroom in the basement. While I don't make the kids scrub toilets and mop floors if they have the bathroom zone, it is their job to make sure that it is picked up, and has enough toilet paper."

Kulisek, who also home-schools her children, says she looks at chores as just more teachable moments. "It is my responsible to help teach them how to function as an adult and be responsible," she says. "The only way to teach it is to do it with them." She says she is usually in the kitchen with the child on kitchen duty, or will often reload the washer or dryer for the child responsible for laundry.

"We are all in this together, and while I need to be the manager and delegate family tasks it also gives me some good one-on-one time with each of my kids to do it this way," she says.

Batavia resident Kristen Garvin, who has four children ages 8 to 15, says she found that once she taught and watched her children do a certain chore for a couple of weeks they were then able to take it on independently.

"Watching them do it gave me the chance to point out things that they wouldn't think about," she says. "I would say, 'Do you see that there are streaks left there?' after they would finish the bathroom mirror, and then was able to show them how to avoid that next time."

Garvin and her husband recently had a home built in Batavia and she says that part of the design was to help the children be self-sufficient over their own areas.

"They have their own laundry space and all of them do their own laundry now," she says. "It was a matter of making sure that we put up a shelf for the laundry soap that Nolan (the 8-year-old) could reach."

The Garvin children are also responsible for dusting and vacuuming their own rooms, helping to set and clear the dinner table and cleaning their own bathroom space. "Because my husband is a dentist I have taught them to use the disposable latex gloves when they are using the cleaning chemicals and it has worked great," she said.

To pay or not?

While the Kulisek family doesn't tie allowance to chores, the Garvins do. "Chores are something they are expected to do as part of the family, but they do get allowance as well. Right now we divide their age in two and that is the amount that they get each week," says Garvin. "That is, when I remember. It can be hard to be consistent!"

Brown-McBroom says that there are benefits to both methods, and it often depends on what works best for the individual family. But when it comes to making sure that they do the chore and don't skip the work, she says that positive reinforcement often works better than punishment.

"Developing a sticker chart for daily chores is a great idea, and if a child is able to fill it up for a week maybe the reward is something like going out for ice cream," she says.

For the Kuliseks, rewards for chores above and beyond the call of duty come not in the form of money but in things like extra computer time, or a later bedtime. "According to them that is, 'way better than money!'" says Kulisek. "I also have a reward system tied to each zone. For example if you are responsible for the kitchen you get to choose the bedtime snack."

Sooner or later, if you pray, cross your fingers and wish upon a star, the rewards of helping out the family become intrinsic ones. I have seen this with my own eyes in the children of David and Bonnie Turkes of Batavia.

Their son is now a freshman in high school and their daughter a freshman in college, and once one of my children's baby sitters. I listened when she told me that on her own initiative she had shoveled her family's driveway of snow before she came over to baby-sit, and when she talked about helping with household cleaning and yard work. I called her mom and asked her how it all started.

"The kids have always had chores, from cleaning their rooms, to setting the table," said Bonnie Turkes. "Amanda was responsible for the bathroom and also cut the grass, things that David does now…and they have both taken part in every yard project that we have done."

When asked if kids today are too busy with classes, sports and homework to have chores, Turkes answered me like this: "For us, it has always been a matter of priorities. They have their studies, and then they have chores at home. If they don't seem to have time to do chores then the family has to look at what their other involvement is and readjust it."

When parents do this, despite the effort involved, it pays off. And for those that might have shelved chores for their children thinking that they are too old-fashioned, or that their kids are too busy to manage them, I can offer up a comment about chores from 13-year-old Elizabeth Kulisek.

"Chores balance things," she says. "(They) make you appreciate your surroundings."

Well put, and something that I hope every child of this generation someday understands, even if they have to grow up and become a parent to truly get it.

Tips on chores

Make sure that your child knows what their chores are and how to do them. Teach the skill and then observe until they can do it on their own.

Encourage your child to do his or her chores at the same time each day.

For younger children try to assign chores that take no longer than 15 minutes at a time.

Make sure that you praise your child's efforts and thank them.

Don't expect perfection! The goal instead is for your child to learn a skill and develop pride in helping out the family.

While young children can help match socks while you fold laundry, make their own bed and pick up toys, school-aged children are ready to clean their rooms, care for pets and help in the kitchen or the yard. Teenagers can take on even more responsibility. Make sure that the chore matches your child's age.

Let your child know the consequence for failing to do their chores and set up a positive reinforcement system that rewards them when they are consistent.