Mike Johnson: I ain't did nothin'

Like the phrase "I never saw her before in my life" and "I swear I won't touch the stuff," the sentence "I ain't did nothin'" is a sidewalk classic.

So beautifully anti-grammatical as to be almost not an English sentence, "I ain't did nothin'" is what you say to the cop who questions you just prior to grappling you into compliance.

"What? I ain't did nothin'!" you say as Officer Nightshift grabs your wrist, just below the hand that holds the baseball bat, right before you take out the passenger side window of your ex-boyfriend's car. The windshield is already gone, and there's glass in your hair. You're guilty, all right, but anything worth doing drunk at 2 a.m. is at least worth denying.

Mike Johnson, R-GLORY LAND, is a state representative from Louisiana and a Christian so fully functional he believes that gay sex is a lot like bestiality. He doesn't believe in climate change, either, because he doesn't believe in anything he can't see, except God, who is up in heaven crying because two gay women are kissing in Delaware.

If you want to see straight up, flat-out proof that Republicans can't govern, observe the Republican Party attempting to elect a speaker of the House of Representatives, a task well within the abilities of your local parks commission. Johnson was elected after several thousand attempts because, in every Republican-dominated legislative body, nothing can get passed unless it meets the approval of a handful of less-than-deep thinkers who don't know what they want, but they know what they hate, and that's enough to be the custodians of the Constitution.

And, of course, Johnson is an election denier. Not that Johnson's own elections have been fixed. Nah. He ain't did nothin'. According to people like Johnson, the only election ever fixed in the entire history of America was Biden v. Trump. Trump's first election victory? Completely and totally legit. Trump's loss in his second election? Fixed.

You ain't did nothin'. All your wins are legit, and all your losses are the results of dirty work at the crossroads.

Americans used to despise the loser who blamed his losses on the ref. If you did that, we called it "whining" and "poor sportsmanship," and your poor father wondered how such a tender boy was going to take his place down at the steel mill.

In a long career of covering elections, the candidates I respected most were the ones who didn't ask for a recount.

"No," one of these old campaigners told me after losing an election by 14 votes out of a few thousand. "If I ask for a recount, it's gonna shift maybe four votes, and they may not go my way. Plus, I look like a crybaby."

That candidate is dead now, and so is the word "crybaby," a real insult in my younger years.

Johnson and his Republican crybaby buddies ain't did nothin.'

They always win, and when they don't, it's because they were cheated.

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