Must be that time again …

Another baseball season inspires another set of guaranteed predictions:

Like, Volume II of the Mitchell Report will allege Eliot Spitzer paid Brian McNamee for a round of HGH -- human growth hookers.

The Cubs will be the National League's best team on paper after converting Wrigley Field's playing surface to Charmin.

Ozzie Guillen will fire himself more often than George Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin.

Felix P.A.'s name will be announced over the Pie system.

The Sadomasochistic Publishing House will issue "100 Years of Cubby Occurrences … A Century of Fabulicious Failure."

The White Sox will conduct "Comiskey Idol" in search of a fan who can retire more batters than their current relievers can.

More than 30,000 men, women, children, dogs, cats, and hamsters will qualify for the finals.

The Cubs will end up with closer by Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.

The NL Central's real race will be Kerry Wood and Ben Sheets hobbling toward the disabled list.

You'll win if you bet on Wood and consequently against the Cubs for the 100th straight year.

The Sox won't win the AL Central either, even if Steve Stone broadcasts that they did.

The Marlins' payroll will be so low that players qualify for the fed's $600 stimulus check.

Kosuke Fukudome will have less trouble pronouncing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious than Ron Santo has pronouncing Kosuke Fukudome.

The State of Illinois will buy both Wrigley Field and its naming rights … Cubs fans will vow to never set foot in Tony Rezko Stadium … attendance will slump to a mere 3.3 million.

Roger Clemens will misremember playing bridge with his wife, Debbie, Alex Rodriguez and Magglio Ordonez.

Jose Canseco will provide Polaroids to refresh Clemens' memory.

Lou Piniella and Jason Marquis will get along well enough to tag-team wrestle Jim Boylan and Andres Nocioni in a steel cage.

The winners will face the winners of the match between Kenny Williams-Jerry Reinsdorf and Joe Crede-Scott Boras.

Barry Bonds will play in the Arena Football League this year.

Bill Richardson will try to talk Ernie Banks into betraying the Cubs and endorsing the Brewers.

No statue of limitations will be invoked on the number of former White Sox players honored this season.

The likenesses of the dearly departed Andy Gonzalez, Luis Terrero and, yes, Josh Fields will be erected at Comiskey Park.

A man will say, "Boy, does that stone-faced hunk of rock ever look like Harold Baines?" and his wife will say, "That's no statue, dummy, that's Harold."

Carlos Zambrano will beat up somebody, anybody, maybe even everybody.

Nick Swisher will break the major-league record for media interviews per run batted in.

Men's health journals will profile Aramis Ramirez after he pulls muscles previously unknown to medical science.

Alfonso Soriano will be featured in Part II of the series.

Dusty Baker will keep the Reds in contention long enough to make Cubs management squirm.

Police will identify Mark DeRosa as a person of interest in the disappearance of Brian Roberts.

The Indians will win the AL and the Dodgers will win the NL.

Cleveland will win the World Series and become the lucky millionth franchise to do so since the Cubs last won one in 1908.

Major League Baseball will announce the White Sox and the Cubs are scheduled to play 2009's season opener on Uranus.