NIU's Phillips draws strength from 'true greatness in people'

Jim Phillips sounds like he swallowed the remnants of a pothole-repair effort.

But neither the gravel in his throat nor the exhaustion in his limbs can compare to the pain in his heart.

Yet, the NIU athletic director, appearing very much like a consumed Rudy Giuliani after the attacks of Sept. 11, can only move forward for fear of standing still.

If he did, his emotions might reach out and drop him as they did in one very private moment last week.

Phillips, showing grand leadership under difficult circumstances, wanted anything but to talk about himself Tuesday, wishing instead that the focus remain on the victims and their families.

Upon relenting, Phillips admitted he is as susceptible as anyone to the grief and disbelief, and it washed over him all at once.

"I think it was the next day, but I'm not certain,'' Phillips said. "It was whenever I sat down for the first time.''

Phillips, along with his role as A.D., is an NIU associate vice president and one of president John Peters' top advisors, and it was in that role, in a quiet boardroom with a colleague, that he finally lost it.

"It just hit us at the same time, swallowed us up at that moment,'' Phillips said. "When you're in a leadership position, you have to demonstrate strength and courage, but it doesn't mean your real emotions aren't there.

"You just have to find a way to do your job and not let your emotions affect you, but they are there, and at some point you're going to have to deal with them or they're going to deal with you.''

And there was his arrival home in the middle of the night after countless hours at Kishwaukee Community Hospital.

"I went right up to my kids' rooms and hugged my four kids, and kissed them,'' Phillips said. "They didn't wake up. They didn't move. They didn't know I was there. But I knew it. I'll never forget that as long as I live.''

Phillips' gut aches for the families of the victims, but it's no small measure of this tightknit university that Phillips finds himself drawing strength from those who mourn.

"In the darkest of moments, you see the true greatness in people,'' Phillips said. "It doesn't get much worse than this, than what happened at NIU last Thursday, and yet the outstanding character we see among our students and families, and the outpouring of support we've received from the NIU community, and from the entire nation, really gives you hope that a great strength will come out of something so horrible.''

And nothing has buoyed Phillips more than seeing some of the students return to campus.

"They have an amazing toughness and determination,'' Phillips said. "Their attitude is that, 'We're not going to let this deter us. It's not going to keep us from our dreams and aspirations.'

"They love this place and they're not going to let anyone take it away from them.

"Those are such uplifting words for me. We're supposed to be helping them, and they're giving us strength.

"I think they reflect the mood of the student body, and it's just a great feeling to hear it from them.''

The athletes have been attending funerals and visitations, and many -- including both basketball teams -- will be back on campus for practices this morning.

"We're all still somewhat confused and dazed, and our hearts are broken at the moment,'' Phillips said. "But you do see some signs of trying to move forward.

"We're spending time making sure the staff gets counseling and the student-athletes get the counseling they need, and that kind of sums up where we are at the moment, taking it minute by minute, hour by hour.''

Phillips is torn by the notion of advancing the cause after attending funerals the last few days, and he wants to make sure sport takes its proper place behind all that needs to be done to get the students back to some sense of normalcy.

However, for the athletes, and all students who enjoy attending the athletic events, normalcy is having the athletic department back in business.

"These kids are strong, but the longer they're out of their routine, the harder it is to get back into the routine,'' Phillips said. "They don't want to seem insensitive, but you do get the feeling they want to get back to classes, to practice, to competition.

"This week off is good for us, a week of reflection and mourning and healing, and when it's appropriate we'll figure out when to resume activities.

"But I do feel a great strength as I listen to them wanting to get back at it. They really believe in that statement, that by returning to normal they're saying that no one is going to take NIU away from them.

"It's really quite amazing.''

And with that, Jim Phillips takes a deep breath and says goodbye. He has made it though another hour.

One minute at a time.