'Missed Call' is cell-out with no suspense
Taylor (Ana Claudia Talancon) is menaced by "Monster Ellie" (Sarah Kubik) during a cell phone exorcism in "One Missed Call."
Phony horror film a suspenseless cell-out
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"One Missed Call"?
I wish it had been "One Missed Movie."
Horror films are supposed to scare the wits out of you, not your brain cells.
I'm not sure what part of the overtly stupid "One Missed Call" was supposed to be scarier: the herky-jerky pixilated apparitions resembling wan Japanese ghosts with icky hair? Or Margaret Cho in a bit part as a police detective named Mickey Lee?
The plot, revamped from a 2003 Takashi Miike Japanese ghost movie titled "Chakushin Ari," involves a malevolent spirit that infects a woman's cell phone, then randomly calls up the people in her address book and let's them hear the last words they will say right before they die, usually in ways so ridiculous that the "Final Destination" writers would reject them.
A psych student named Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon) already has peep-hole issues. She becomes convinced that the phone calls are real when she witnesses two friends die after muttering the same sentences heard days before on their cells.
Detective Jack Andrews (a slumming Edward Burns) thinks the same thing happened to his sister. She, like the other victims, had a piece of cherry-red hard candy stuck in her mouth.
"Something doesn't make sense here!" the cop shrewdly observes.
"One Missed Call" comes from French director Eric Valette, making his first English-language feature, a stylistically destitute, suspenseless collection of desperate, overused scare tactics. Ominous silhouettes dart in the background. Hands suddenly grab someone. Yechy centipedes crawl around. Jarring sound effects keep us awake.
The movie bottoms out during a laughable segment where a clergyman attempts to exorcise a wireless communications device. "Unclean spirit! Be gone from this cell phone!" he barks.
Just when I hoped this film was over, the cop shouts, "This isn't over, yet!" Then Beth voiced my very thoughts: "This can't be happening!"
One can only hope the evil spirit and her victims all use the same cell phone service so at least they qualify for free minutes.
"One Missed Call"
½ star
out of four
Starring As
Shannyn Sossamon Beth Raymond
Edward Burns Jack Andrews
Written by Andrew Klavan. Produced by Broderick Johnson, Andrew A. Kosove, Jennie Lew Tugend and Scott Kroopf. Directed by Eric Valette. A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG-13 (violence). Running time: 87 minutes.