Money can divide both friends and families

WASHINGTON -- They're just four little words, but they can cause strife after a pleasant meal out with co-workers, friends or family.

You've all heard them at one time or another: "Let's split the check."

I once went to lunch with a large group of co-workers. I purposefully ordered a meal that cost less than $10, which even at that amount was more than I typically budget for lunch. One co-worker ordered a couple of appetizers, a steak entree and a drink. When the bill came she was the first to chirp, "Let's split the check."

I looked around the table. A few people discreetly rolled their eyes. Others, who had also ordered frugally, just reached for their wallets.

"Well, I would rather not split the check," I said. "I'm only paying for what I ordered and ate plus my share of the tip."

The woman who ordered the large meal and liquor said, "Michelle, you're such a cheapskate."

Some people laughed. I didn't think it was a funny or fair comment. This woman often ordered much more than everybody else when we all went out to lunch.

This is the kind of situation that makes dealing with money so maddening sometimes. For some useful guidance, I suggest you read "Isn't It Their Turn To Pick Up The Check?" (Free Press, $21) by Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz.

I've selected the couple's book for the January Color of Money Book Club because it is a great coffee-table volume. Leave it out and it will surely stir up some interesting discussions and debates.

"Once upon a time it was sex that people felt uncomfortable discussing, but today it's money," the couple writes. Now "it's the money problems you experience with friends and family -- problems you hate to mention for fear of sounding judgmental or just plain small, problems you're slow to raise because you think a confrontation could be in the cards."

The book certainly delivers on its subtitle, "Dealing with All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends -- from Serial Borrowers to Serious Cheapskates."

"We are … for speaking up, drawing lines, and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of," write Fleming and Schwarz, who also author the "Do the Right Thing" column that appears in Money magazine and on CNNMoney.com.

The couple sprinkles throughout the book the results of two surveys they designed and analyzed. It didn't surprise me to learn that among family and friends, borrowing and lending cause some of the biggest riffs.

Of those who made the largest loans, 43 percent were not repaid in full, the couple found in one survey. And 27 percent received nothing in the way of a repayment. Here are some of the other results from the surveys:

• 87 percent of respondents say that every family has at least one person who tries to get more than his or her share of things after a relative dies.

• 85 percent of respondents think it's wrong to attach a "string" to a gift of money. They believe money should be given without any conditions or not given at all. (The authors disagree. "There's absolutely nothing wrong, unfair, or unethical about making a gift or loan conditional.")

• 59 percent of people say they have run into trouble as a result of having a lot more money than a friend or relative.

People often say, 'Don't let money ruin a relationship.' With this book, you'll get some good advice on how to follow that mantra.

© 2008, The Washington Post Co.