Shrill 'Steve' a shallow, stupid rom-com

I'm not sure exactly when I decided that "All About Steve" must be the stupidest romantic comedy I've seen in the past three months.

It might have been when Sandra Bullock's character, Mary Horowitz, runs across a field and "falls" into an open mine, when she clearly could see the giant hole before she fell.

Or it might have been when Mary reveals her inner feelings, dreams and desires to her best friend, a hamster named Carol.

Or it might have been when a woman who's had surgery to remove a latent phallic appendage rubs up against co-star Bradley Cooper and asks him, "Can you feel my scar?"

But I'm guessing it probably really happened when "All About Steve" began treating intelligence as a handicap, and smart people as social pariahs.

In this shrill and shallow romantic comedy, Bullock's Mary is an unmarried woman still living at home with her supportive parents. Her part-time job is to supply original crossword puzzles to her local newspaper, the Sacramento Herald. (No relation to the Daily Herald.)

Mary wears cherry red, knee-high fashion boots with all her outfits, perhaps her nod to Holden Caulfield's red hat. Yet, despite her wardrobe commitment to individuality, she constantly voices her hope that one day she will become "normal."

So, what makes her abnormal?

First, she's smart. Second, she possesses an amazing vocabulary. Third, she uses her knowledge to bore people or make them feel stupid.

People in the movie hate her. They shun her. Even when Mary falls down that mine shaft, a rescue worker, not really kidding, says, "Can we leave her down there?"

Bullock, once the heir apparent to Mary Tyler Moore as America's Sweetheart, works very hard to make her Mary adorable and cute. She even employs one of those wild and wacky jumping-up-and-down frenzies that little girls do on the playground. (It was last employed by Katherine Heigl in "The Ugly Truth.")

Yet, Mary is such an incessant, knowledgeable bore that all the jumping up and down in the world doesn't make her more attractive or tolerable.

The plot of "All About Steve" kicks in when Mary goes on a blind date with a "CCN" news cameraman named Steve (Cooper, hot off "The Hangover" and "He's Just Not That Into You"). They no sooner get inside his SUV when she starts tearing off his clothes. "I"m going to eat you like a mountain lion!" she shouts.

Steve freaks out a little and quickly takes off to cover news events around the country.

When Mary gets fired for creating a crossword puzzle centered all around Steve, she takes it as a sign she should follow her heart, along with Steve. In case audiences are too slow to understand this, first-time feature director Phil Traill tosses on the soundtrack the song "I Will Follow Him," complete with the lyrics, "I love him! I love him! I love him!"

Real subtle.

Worried that Mary could be a killer stalker, Steve returns to work with a narcissistic CCN news reporter named Hartman, another one of those media clichés, a self-centered nincompoop of questionable talent.

He's played by Thomas Hayden Church, an excellent actor who finds a few new angles to play on a done-to-death standard-issue character.

In hot pursuit of Steve, Mary meets up with some kindred souls along the way, mostly a nerdy guy named Howard (DJ Qualls). He used to be in physics(!), but now carves little apple sculptures for a living. In this movie­ - a series of clichés collected by screenwriter Kim Barker - jobs employing science are to be avoided.

Oh, I just remembered another reason why "All About Steve" is the stupidest romantic comedy in recent memory.

I couldn't tell if it was just an inane vanity vehicle for Bullock (who also produced the movie), or a feature-length promo for 7-Eleven's Super Big Gulp drink.

It's the first time I've seen a prominently displayed beverage actually upstage the actors in a movie.

<p class="factboxheadblack">"All About Steve"</p> <p class="News">One and a half stars</p> <p class="News"><b>Starring:</b> Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper, Thomas Hayden Church, Ken Jeong</p> <p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Phil Traill</p> <p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG-13 (sexual situations). 95 minutes</p>