Braindead 'Whiteout' an off-the-peg thriller

I wanted to feel sorry for Kate Beckinsale's beleaguered U.S. marshal in Dominic Sena's Antarctica chiller thriller "Whiteout."

But I felt sorrier for the mysterious guest killer who couldn't hit diddly squat with his ice ax.

There he goes, chasing Beckinsale down the deserted hall of a research facility, swinging his wicked-looking ice ax in the air.

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Even the Cubs wouldn't want this guy.

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Beckinsale's marshal, Carrie Stetko, escapes, and so does the killer, who's even more inept than a drunk Jason Voorhees missing four limbs.

We don't know exactly why this guy wants Carrie dead, but it probably has something to do with the prologue, set in 1957, when a Soviet prop plane flies through the bad weather of Antarctica with a large box wrapped in chains and padlocks on board.

Even though "Whiteout" is already as far south as you can get, the story - adapted from Greg Rucka's graphic novel - goes even more south when a Russian soldier fires a bullet through the fuselage, apparently causing the plane to lose pressure and drop from the sky.

(Note to screenwriters Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber, Chad Hayes and Carey Hayes: Only pressurized jets freak out when you shoot a bullet through the fuselage. Prop planes just don't care.)

"Whiteout" then jumps to 2009 when Marshal Carrie -- one of America's many federal peace officers who could easily model for Victoria's Secret -- arrives at her base and instantly doffs her clothes to take a hot and steamy shower.

Then she and her best pal Doc (Tom Skerritt) make plans to get out of town before Mother Nature brings down six months of total darkness on them. Their departure is jeopardized by two things:

A) a huge storm is rolling in that makes Dorothy's twister look like a gentle spring breeze, and

B) the murdered body of a researcher is discovered in the middle of nowhere.

I'd explain more about the plot, but what can you say about a movie where liquids instantly freeze on contact with the outside air, yet the humans run around with their faces constantly exposed to minus-60 degrees Celsius? (Second note to screenwriters: Do you even know what minus-60 degrees does to moist human nostrils?)

A few minutes into the movie, I wrote on a sheet of paper the identity of the chief villain and gave it to fellow film critic Peter Sobczynski to witness. Sadly, I was correct.

"Whiteout" isn't only an obvious, by-the-numbers thriller, its screenplay assumes we have the brains of discarded soda cans. Marshal Carrie constantly spoon-feeds us information as if we've just returned to our theater seats after a prolonged visit to the restroom.

Marshal Carrie also suffers from traumatic flashbacks every time she sees a gun or the smashed face of a dead body. In one flashback, she wakes up in a hotel room and notices that her handcuffed prisoner has vanished.

"I got a bad feeling!" she tells us. Gee, ya think?

"Suddenly, I was in a nightmare!" Marshal Carrie shouts. Hey, I could totally relate.

Eventually, Marshal Carrie stumbles onto the downed Russian plane with its padlocked box broken open and its contents gone.

"Whatever was in there," Marshal Carrie deduces, "was what they were after!"

Gee, ya think?

"Whiteout" is the first movie to go into production for Dark Castle Entertainment, a new company created by action producer Joel Silver. According to Variety, Silver has "full creative control" over Dark Castle productions.

(Final note to screenwriters: Next time you write a movie for Silver, try to be creative, so at least he'll have something to control.)

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"Whiteout"

Rating: 1 star

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Gabriel Macht, Tom Skerritt, Columbus Short

Directed by: Dominic Sena

Other: A Warner Bros. release. Rated R (language, nudity, sexual situations, violence). 96 minutes.