Bartman a figment of imagination

Last month a Major League Baseball manager offered an interesting characterization of ESPN.

"The Extremely Selfish Programming Network," he called the cable-TV channel.

His sentiment was confirmed recently by news that ESPN is planning an hourlong documentary on poor soul Steve Bartman.

Hah! I laugh, chuckle and giggle because this time the self-proclaimed World Wide Leader has bit off enough to choke on.

You see, it is my contention that there is no Steve Bartman. The man whom some still blame for costing the Cubs a chance to play in the 2003 World Series does not exist.

I mean, look at the photos and artist renderings of the fan in the front row down Wrigley Field's left-field line who got his hands on that fateful Marlins foul ball.

Check out the scarf, the radio headset, the shaded eyeglasses, the Cubs cap - that's somebody disguised to knock off a liquor store rather than dressed for a baseball game.

Or maybe the man also known as Steve Bartman really is Elvis Presley, alive and well after all these years. Or Hawk Harrelson intent on interfering with the Cubs' championship aspirations. Or Tom Ricketts, another figment of fertile North Side imaginations.

Seriously, Bartman doesn't exist. I don't know who assumed his identity at Wrigley Field that night, but he was no Bartman. He's as likely to be a Batman as a Bartman.

Anyway, sometimes I hallucinate that I'm Bartman, but that can't be true either because you certainly would know it by now.

If I were Bartman I would have sold my story, and soul, to the highest bidder. I would have prospered from the Cubs' misery by taking the money and running.

Let's face it, folks, if there really were a Bartman he would have considered all the offers from late-night TV hosts of the day like Letterman and Leno, Kimmel and O'Brien.

Then Bartman would have settled on "Nightline" to tell his side, which is too serious to be simple fodder for some simple comedian's silliness.

"Nightline": Are you proud of what you did that night?

Bartman: Is Alex Gonzalez proud of subsequently fumbling an easy groundball? Is Mark Prior proud of imploding on the mound? Is Dusty Baker proud of mismanaging the series? Is Kerry Wood proud of blowing a lead the next night? Are the Cubs proud of messing up the other 99 years of their 100-year slump?

"Nightline": So we can take that to mean -

Bartman: You can take that to mean I forgot what the question was.

"Nightline": What do you think would have happened if you didn't reach for the ball?

Bartman: It would have clanked off Moises Alou's glove. You've seen him play the outfield, haven't you?

Magazine stories would have followed along with a tell-all book and a feature film based on a true story.

Would it have changed Steve Bartman's life if there really were a Steve Bartman that night? Only if you consider that relocating to Aruba and drowning in pina coladas is a life changer.

Ah, but Steve Bartman didn't take advantage because there is no Steve Bartman.

The Extremely Selfish Programming Network is about to find that out.