NFL thoughts to kick around

The beginning of another NFL season provides the opportunity for bold predictions.

Like by the time Roger Goodell finishes suspending players, the league will be reduced to six teams playing seven-man football.

The San Quentin Chargers and the Stateville Bears will be favored to play in the Super Bowl.

Whoopi Goldberg's official "View" will be that Michael Vick is dog's best friend.

Vick's three squares a day in prison will consist of Alpo, IAMS and Milk-Bone.

When Vick is released, Goodell will sentence him to eight games in Cleveland's Dawg Pound.

Joe Theismann will take Ron Jaworski hostage in the "Monday Night Football" booth.

Jerome Bettis will pretend to be injured before he can be fired from his TV gigs.

Food stamps will help Lance Briggs get by on $7.2 million.

Goodell will prohibit Bears fans from driving their Lamborghinis on the Edens Expressway.

Cedric Benson will be on pace to break the Bears' single-season rushing record until he is hurt during today's second quarter.

Bears offensive linemen will retire to spend more time with their grandchildren.

Devin Hester will return punts, return kickoffs, return Christmas gifts, return the favor and return to the scene of the crime -- all for touchdowns.

Hester also will block hats, block intersections, block parties, block letters and block votes -- but not linebackers downfield.

Brian Urlacher will sack a quarterback this millennium.

Lovie Smith will say "and we'll go from there" even when there's no there there.

Nothing Rex Grossman and Olin Kreutz do will be a snap.

The Bears will win the games Rex plays well in, enough of the ones Wrecks plays poorly in and the NFC North with a 10-6 record.

Brett Favre will show up at a Halloween party dressed as a retired football player.

Lions rookie Calvin Johnson will catch everything but a break that gets him out of Detroit.

The Vikings will go with three running backs and no quarterback, while the Buccaneers will go with three quarterbacks and no running back.

Goodell will take Redskins ticket privileges away from Sen. Larry Craig.

Katie Couric will return from Iraq to report on the escalating Tiki Barber-Tom Coughlin conflict.

Drew Brees will become known as the French Quarter Back.

The Cardinals will move to Hollywood so Matt Leinart can challenge Tom Brady's NFL record for dating starlets.

Brady will dump Gisele Bundchen and start dating the Radio City Rockettes.

Broncos running back Travis Henry, reportedly the father of nine children with nine different women, will impregnate Colorado.

It will be Vinsane to believe Vinsanity Young can lead the Titans into the playoffs.

Peyton Manning will make commercials endorsing commercials.

The Raiders will play like Lindsay Lohan driving a team bus.

The Patriots, Ravens, Colts, Chargers, Bengals and Broncos will make the AFC playoffs.

The Bears, Eagles, Panthers, Seahawks, Saints and Redskins will make the NFC playoffs.

The Bengals will prove crime does pay by winning the AFC title.

Goodell will suspend all NFC teams from the Super Bowl.

Appalachian State will beat the Bengals for the world title.

Halftime entertainment will be a steel-cage match between Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson.

Goodell will suspend himself for not suspending anyone during the previous 15 minutes.