New owner should run ... and fast

Tom Ricketts still hasn't phoned me for advice, but here's some more anyway.

Sir, check the fine print in your agreement to purchase the Cubs from the Tribune Company and see whether there's an out clause.

If there isn't, run away from home! Quickly, get out of town! Take a big plane back to Omaha! Take a fast train to the Coast! Take a slow boat to China!

You know what I mean if you saw the Washington Nationals beat down the Cubs on Tuesday night in Wrigley Field.

Yes, those Washington Nationals, the team with the major leagues' worst record, the team managed by Jim Riggleman.

Yes, the Jim Riggleman the Cubs fired 10 years ago because he wasn't good enough a year after he guided them to the playoffs.

Yes, the playoffs that every day the Cubs are more likely to miss, especially after a 15-6 loss that looked like Nats shooing gnats.

"Sometimes when we hit, we don't pitch good," Carlos Zambrano analyzed. "Sometimes when we pitch good, we don't hit."

Is that a conundrum you want to get into, Mr. Ricketts?

All that the Cubs can do for you is make you a lot of money, and you already have more than enough of that.

No amount is worth the grief this franchise will inflict upon you. No dollar figure can exorcise the curse that comes with being associated with the Cubs.

This isn't just a baseball team almost certain to fail to win a World Series for the 101st straight season. It's a baseball team that takes big, powerful, successful men like you and turns them into small, whimpering, failed boys.

Take Lou Piniella, who came to the Cubs nearly three full seasons ago as one of the game's most respected managers.

Piniella was teased by two division titles. This year he's beaten, battered and bewildered as if somebody slapped him and yelled, "Gotcha!"

"We've had a rough August so far," Piniella said. "What can I say?"

Take Zambrano, who has been one of baseball's most promising pitchers since joining the Cubs in 2002.

Big Z comes off the disabled list and leaves the game to boos after mighty Washington - first in peace, first in war and last in the National League - batters him all around the ballpark.

"I didn't do my job today," Zambrano said.

Alfonso Soriano comes here after a 40-home run, 40-stolen base season and three seasons later struggles to hit .240.

Seriously, I don't need to tell you all the former winners that came to the Cubs and didn't make it to a World Series, much less win one.

Just remember that the Tribune Company was a thriving enterprise when it bought this team. The Cubs needed only 28 years to plunge the Trib and the rest of the newspaper industry into crisis.

Who'll be the next in line? Who'll be the next in line for heartache? Who'll be the next in line to be the next failed owner?

You reportedly attend Cubs games, Mr. Ricketts. If you were at Tuesday night's you probably already know what to do.

Run! Run fast! Run away from home! Or at least from this agreement to buy the curse that is the Cubs!

mimrem@dailyherald.com